28. The Accidental Engagement
I had a coworker tell me he got married on accident. It was Christmas morning and he bought his girlfriend a ring as a Christmas present. They were both sitting around the tree and when she opened it she started to cry and said “well are you going to ask me.” Thats when he realized what he had done. He got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. Moral of the story, don’t ever buy a ring for a girl unless you are planning on marrying her.
29. Pretending To Be Dutch
When I was a kid and playing on xbox live with people from all over the world, I used to put on this dutch-sounding accent when talking to new people, partly because I didn’t like how my normal accent sounded, especially when hearing it back, and also because I was/am weird. I met some good friends throughout the year or so that I did it. I’m still in touch but no where near as much as we used to be, we’ll have a Skype call every now and again, and even after 6-7 years, I still put the accent on to them. Obviously with us being good friends, I also lied about an awful lot of background things. It’s like I created this other person. I never intended for it to go like this, but I could never tell them I’ve lied about my accent, which stemmed in to a bunch of other things… and even now after all these years… I’m the dutch guy that has only ever spoke english. It goes much deeper but, that’s basically it.
30. The Titty Twister Monkey
My now wife and I were dating in college in the early 80’s. One night we went out to a party where she proceeded to get black out drunk.
The next morning I asked her if she remembered the little organ grinder monkey giving her tittie twisters. She didn’t believe me at first so she asked my roommate. He was always on his game and confirmed it without hesitation. He even added to the story a bit.
All 100% complete bullshit. No titty loving monkey to be had.
Fast forward 30+ years. It’s now a family legend. She tells everyone about it.
Parents/siblings/children/friends have heard the story dozens of times. It invariably comes up at every family gathering. People hearing it for the first time howl with laughter because she has the rap down cold by now and delivers it with skill. Those that have heard it repeatedly just cringe and roll their eyes.
I’m the only one (besides roommate whom I haven’t seen in 20+ years) that knows it’s all bullshit. I’m scared to tell her the truth, so I wrote her a sealed letter and put it in my will.
31. The False Jew
Was a poor kid who went to boarding school for high school. After getting there, nearly all my friends were Jewish … so I said I was, too. This was 16 years ago. Most of the social circles I’ve been in since have had some sort of relation to the people I was in high school (and college) with so the lie just kind of stuck. I’ve even been the token Jew in many of those circles.
Funny part is that last year I got drunk and tried to explain this to three of my closest friends. They simply did not believe me. The next morning they were like “You got so drunk you tried to convince us that you’re not Jewish.” and I was just like, “ehhh …”
32. The Vegetable Lie
Someone at work, who is grungy, a chain-smoker, and never washes her hands, made a carrot cake and was asking people to try it. I told them I was allergic to carrots. I love carrots. To this day whenever I order or bring a salad to work I have to have it with no carrots.
33. The Threesome Baby
My daughter was accidentally conceived in a “threesome” when our friends birth control failed.
We just told everyone that we got a surrogate because my wife wanted to focus on her career. No one actually knows that our friend didn’t want to get an abortion so my wife and i decided to take the baby in as if she was ours.
It actually work pretty well, in the past 4 years since, my wife has been promoted and is making $$$ while i stay home with our daughter. My wife sometimes says that she accidentally had her cake and ate it because she now has a daughter and her body is still the same.
34. Walking Dead Liar
Everyone I work with thinks I watch The Walking Dead- I haven’t viewed it since Season two. Now I find myself reading the synopsis of episodes the day after they come out just to perpetuate the lie.
35. Said He Didn’t Know What A Potato Was
My girlfriend (who let me tell you is only my 2nd girlfriend of all time) said I am “invited to dinner” with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous, and bashful to be invited to such a situation. But I knew it must be done.
I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit, to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who is amusing.
When I saw that baked potatoes were served I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny.
Well let me tell you: backfired on my face. I’ll tell you how.
So first when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded but in a restrained way, curious, and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked “This looks very interesting. What is this?”
They stared at me and the mother said “It’s a baked potato.” And I was saying “Oh, interesting, a baked….what is it again?”
And she was like “A potato.”
And I was like “A ‘potato’, oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good.”
And then they didn’t see I was clowning, but thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very shamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke, so what I did was to act as if it was not a joke but I committed to the act of pretending I didn’t know what a potato is.
They asked me, VERY incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato. I went with it and told them, yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato I had never heard the word potato.
This went on for a bit and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my “fucked up antics”, and then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was when them parents starting thinking I DID know what a potato was.
Well let me tell you I had to commit 100% at this point. When I would not admit to knowing what a potato was, the father especially began to get annoyed. At one point he said something like “Enough is enough. You’re fucking with us. Admit it.” And I said “Sir, before today I never heard of a potato. I still don’t know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don’t know what to tell you.”
Well let me tell you he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did I made a high pitched noise and said “Taste’s very strange!”
That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying “What are you doing?” and my girlfriend went to some other room.
Finally the father said I should “Get the fuck out of his house” and I said it was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well let me tell you he didn’t take that kindly.
Now in text messages I have been telling my girlfriend I really don’t know what a potato is. The only way I can ever get out of this is for them to buy that I don’t know what a potato is.
I wish I never started it but I can’t go back. I think she will break up with me anyway.
36. “I Don’t Like Porn”
When I first started dating this girl I told her that I don’t like porn.
Flash forward 6 years, we’re married and watching an episode of “Friends” where one of the girls thinks her boyfriend doesn’t like porn. My wife turns to me and says “well not ALL guys like porn! You don’t like it, right?”
Me: “That’s right, honey. It’s not for me.”
37. Told Everyone He Was Married
At, work, for whatever reason, when I first started I told a girl that I was married…I was never married…It got so out of hand that I actually bought a fake wedding ring….The whole hospital thinks I’m a husband…I’ve had friends call in pretending they’re my wife….It’s so crazy out of hand now that I think I would be fired if the truth came out.
38. The Text Flirt Surrogate
I was hammered when I first met my fiancee. The next day a mutual friend gave me her number. I was a little nervous to text her believing that I had made an ass of myself the night before.
My best friend’s girlfriend took initiative and started texting my fiancee from my phone. They texted for over an hour and then she handed the phone off to me.
My fiancee still talks about how she thought I was cute and funny when I first texted her, and I have no clue what was said.
39. Faking A Southern Drawl
Joining the military out of high school, I spent four years in Texas. During the last few months of my time I began talking to a girl that’d I’d had a big crush on in high school. We texted and used Snapchat, and she finally called me on the phone. I was very, very drunk when she called, and I thought it’d be funny to use a southern accent, which she found to be irresistibly attractive. Long story short, I’ve now been home for about four months and seeing her at least twice a week. We get along great and everything is going perfectly except…I have to pretend to have a southern drawl whenever I’m around her.
40. Auditioning For Harry Potter
In the UK there was an meant to be an “open call” for Harry Potter auditions. But due to the fiasco over the director of the first film it never happened. However I’d still sent my letter off as suggested by the tv show Blue Peter who announced it. I never heard back but for some reason my 11yr old brain was really pissed at not getting a chance. When I started secondary school people kept telling me how much I looked like Harry Potter (the illustrated one the books showed, not Daniel Radcliffe, because at that point the news hadn’t broken yet). To this day I’ve no idea why I just went all in and told my school mates I’d gone all the way to the final auditions. When Daniel Radcliffe was confirmed everyone asked me what he was like so I told them he was horrible lol (yeah, pre-pubescent me was jealous at all!!) I kept that up all through secondary school until we left just because it was too embarrassing to admit otherwise.
And no, I haven’t met Daniel Radcliffe.
41. A Friend Will Lie For You
As a kid I had a large mole removed which then popped it’s stitches leaving a quite sizable scar. When asked about it, I tell people my best friend stabbed me with a steak knife around the age of 11 in his garage. Best part is, to this day he’ll tell the same story. My wife doesnt even know the truth. That’s what friends are for.