I don’t know how to stop.
It’s like you have this power over me, that I honestly have never felt before. And I don’t know why or how. But it’s just there. This energy. This connection. And I know it’s fucked up. But I don’t know how to quit you.
I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to like you, to want you. I didn’t want you to be so charming on our date. I didn’t want you to get inside my head. But you knew you would. You always knew.
I didn’t want to want you to like me. But that’s the problem isn’t it? You want me and then you don’t. And then you like me, and then you ignore me.
And you’d think I’d be smart enough to not fall into this rabbit hole. You think I’d be smart enough to realize the warning signs. To be able to be strong.
But with you, I’m not strong.
Because you smile and my heart pulses in double time. You pour me a drink and look me in the eyes, and my whole body is on fire. You see me dancing, dancing on the bar counter and you can’t keep your eyes off of me. And I know it.
But I don’t go home to you at the end of the night. I don’t receive a text. I don’t get anything from you. I just go home alone, alone inside my head, knowing that this cycle needs to stop. But not knowing how to stop it.
I don’t know what this is. Lust? An obsession? An addiction? I can’t shake it. I can’t shake you off of me. No matter if I try to ignore you or if I just stop seeing you completely.
I know you’re bad for me. But I’ve never had that before. I’ve never had a bad boy. The kind of boy who takes your fucking breath away. I’ve never known this kind of wanting. I’ve never known this kind of breathless suffocating of needing to see your face and to see your smile.
I don’t know what you want or need. But I know you eye me when I’m laughing with my friends. I feel your eyes on me, burning a hole right through me. You cup my face and you whisper, ‘you’re fucking gorgeous’ and I feel so high and I’m melting and, I never want it to end.
But that’s the thing about you and I. We aren’t even anything at all. There’s nothing to start. And there’s nothing to end.
All I know is that I want to quit you, I want to quit this game, but then I see your face and all my logic goes out the window. I see your smile and all my strength leaves my body.
I wish I knew how to quit you. If I could, I would.