Want to know how to get over someone who dumped you?
And rid yourself of those repeated thoughts of them?
First, let me make a comparison about getting over a breakup. When a person decides to give up a habit like smoking, they initially find it hard to get used to not being able to have this comfort around. The initial period is always the most difficult but as time passes, the person will eventually get used to not smoking and will also feel much better with their newfound lifestyle.
There are reasons why a person finds it difficult at first to give up their habit. One of the reasons may be because everything around them reminds them of their bad habit which they want to give up. It could be:
- Tea or coffee breaks during work when he or she used to light a cigarette
- The store he or she used to buy cigarette
- Friends who they hang around with who are also smokers
1. Identify the anchors preventing you from moving on from your ex.
I made the comparison with quitting a bad habit because it generates the same feeling as what someone suffering from a broken heart is going through. People suffer because they keep on thinking about the person that dumped them. Right now, there are many things that cause you to think of your ex and it’s this constant remembering of your ex that is one of the reasons why it’s hard for you to move on ….and fall out of love with them.
People, in their mind, naturally develop associations or anchors between two events if those two events happened at the same time. This is also known as classical conditioning. When one association occurs, a person’s memory of the other thing will be immediately triggered.
Just like with our example of someone giving up smoking. They would, at first, find it tough at work during their break because he or she used to have a cigarette during that time. They would have already associated their work breaks with lighting a cigarette. This association would cause him to miss smoking more than what he normally would.
It’s the same scenario as relationships and trying to move on from a broken heart. When you go to a place you and your ex used to visit together (like the movie theatre or a park etc), this is what happens:
- You remember him or her
- And all the memories the two of you had together at that place
Your subconscious has already “associated” the place with your ex and this causes you to think of them, causing pain to you.
2. Unwind the associations perpetuating your fixation with your ex.
We need to understand the dynamics of associations in classical conditioning in order to recognise them more clearly, and hence beat them.
Let’s take your favourite song or film from your childhood as an example. The film or song makes you think fondly about your childhood and it makes you happy. There’s a positive association between the song or film and the memory. However, if you keep on watching the film or listening to the same song over and over more than a hundred times, you would eventually grow tired of it and all the good feelings it has given you would diminish.
So, in other words, you would now be hearing the song but you would no longer be thinking of the fond memories of your childhood (while listening to the song).
Thus, if we experience one association without its matching second association, then the association between the two will die and we will only remember each one on its own merit. So, in other words, its possible for the associations in classical conditioning formed by your subconscious …to be broken.
If you train yourself to stop day-dreaming about your ex when an association occurs, that association will die. I advise that when an association presents itself (such as the park for example where you both used go for a walk together), you should make yourself think about the negative qualities that your ex has. This way, when you think of a place or a song that you and your ex both love, it would make you like him or her less and less.
3. Give yourself a break, recognizing that it’s difficult to get over a broken heart.
Some people find it extremely hard to forget someone because, instead of weakening the associations that make them remember their ex, they just constantly reinforce them. They just add extra suffering to their situation by:
- Playing particular songs over and over that remind them of their ex
- Visiting the same places and spots that they used to visit with their ex
- Basically thinking about everything and anything related to their ex
These are the reasons why even time cannot help those people heal their broken hearts. You must stop doing these things to help your broken heart recover easily. Whenever a thought of your ex pops into your mind while at one of these places, or listening to one of these songs, instead of day-dreaming about your ex for the next hour …you should immediately push the thought of your ex out of your mind.
This way, over time, the association will die.
4. Don’t add salt to your own wounds.
What you need to focus on right now is to stop adding salt to the wound. This doesn’t mean to suppress your feelings towards him or her. Restraining your emotions and feelings does not help in getting over your ex.
Sometimes, it’s good to feel and experience the emotions you get from being dumped. BUT you must not indulge in those kinds of feelings again and again. This is one of the most common and biggest mistakes people tend to do when their boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with them.
When you indulge in those feelings, you’re just basically strengthening them into your subconscious. You’re embedding them in your heart deeper. And keep in mind that the deeper they are embedded, the harder it will be to uproot them later.
5. Feel, take it all in, and learn to let it go.
If you stop giving in to your feelings and emotions right now, they will have nowhere to go but fade away. When emotions are not fed, they will die.
What needs to be done right now is to stop all the daydreams you have of your ex. This will be the toughest part of forgetting an ex but once you put it into action and stick to it, it will result in success.
One of the reasons why people fail to stop giving in to their emotions is because they frequently revisit all the happy memories and moments they’ve had with their ex.
Naturally, if you keep on indulging your emotions, they will just continue to grow. Like a plant that needs water, you need to cut the water supply to prevent it from growing. And the best time to begin doing this …is now.