I tried. I really did. I tried to play it cool. I didn’t double text. I told my friends I was ‘chill’ as they rolled their eyes at me. I told myself that I was totally fine with the situation, with this ‘casual’ relationship that was going on. Truth be told, I have no idea what I was thinking.
I’m not casual. I’m not chill. I’m not calm and collected.
I’m playful. I’m silly. I’m weird and I talk too fast. I overreact to everything. I laugh too loudly. I giggle like a child. I blush way too easily. My stomach gets fluttery when a cute guy so much as looks at me.
I’ve never ever been a casual type of person with friendships or relationships or life in general. I feel too loudly. I latch on very easily. I cling, like moths to a lightbulb. I need and I want way too much to ever want just a casual fling or a casual friendship.
I give so much of myself, that I’m afraid I will break if I don’t get it back in return. Which is what happened, with him.
He told me what he wanted, and I saw myself nodding, and agreeing with him. I didn’t want commitment. I didn’t want a relationship. I’m the new Lauren! I’m the cool and chill Lauren now. I’m not like how I was before.
But I was and I am exactly like how I was before.
I don’t want half-hearted anything. I don’t want superficial and lustful ‘love’. I don’t want to give and get nothing back. I don’t want to spill my heart out while you give me absolutely nothing in return. I don’t want chill, or casual, or cool.
I want a man that gives me soup when I’m sick, who respects my wants and needs and values and who doesn’t shut me out. I want someone who communicates with me, who tells me about their struggles and their joys. I don’t need silence.
I don’t need anymore silence.
It was my mistake, you know. My mistake for thinking I could change him. My mistake for thinking I could make him less cold, less far away. It was my mistake for thinking that this time it would be different. For thinking that he meant what he said and he would follow through.
It’s my fault for not believing his words. He showed me who he was. I was the one that played pretend. I was the one who put an act on.
He wanted cool, and chill. He wanted no attachment. No strings. No hands being tied. He didn’t want any of me at all. He just wanted a body. A face. Two legs. Someone there. He just wanted a tiny piece of who I am.
So why didn’t I accept his truth when he said it? Why didn’t I stop myself from getting hurt? Why didn’t I just stop? Stop giving, stop trusting, stop loving?
And that’s the thing about me. Sure, I can’t do casual. I can’t do ‘chill’. But, my heart is wide and strong. It is bigger and far more extensive than his will ever be. My heart can hold so much in it, and unlike a lot of people, I’m not scared of opening it up to people. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m not afraid of being my own person, as scary as that may be for some people.
I’m not going to ignore my feelings anymore. I’m not going to accept maybes or question marks or silence anymore.
Because one day I know it’ll all be worth it. It has to be, right?