The First Holiday Season Without You

The first holiday season without you.

The first holiday season without a parent is a sad reality. It’s not wanting to celebrate at all. It’s wondering if things will ever be the same. It’s knowing that they likely won’t.

The first holiday season without you, and I wish we could skip the holiday altogether. The first holiday season without someone you love is misery on earth. The first holiday season without you, and I’m ready to fast forward a few months.

I don’t want to spend Christmas with an empty chair. I don’t want to smile and spread fake cheer. I wish I had a present to give you. I wish shopping, the music, and the lights made me feel like it once did. This year feels empty. I feel empty.

The first holiday season of many without you, and I feel lost. When someone loses a parent, or loved one, the first holidays are the worst. It’s a constant reminder that someone is missing. That person should be there. The first holiday season is just constantly wishing that it were over. It’s silently hoping the days away. Because once they are over, you can at least breath again.

It’s a slow countdown and sinking feeling counting down the days. It’s hoping that the day goes by as fast as it can. Holidays are supposed to be the happiest of times, but for some it’s the worst. It’s an emptiness that doesn’t go away.

People will go about their lives, and many won’t understand the pain you feel. Why you don’t feel like celebrating. Why you would rather just stay home and skip the day altogether. Everyone has their own things they are going through, and may not understand your pain. People aren’t intentionally ignoring your pain. Some don’t realize how hard just getting through the day is.

But don’t let others minimize your pain. The first holiday season without them, you may feel alone, but you are not. Remember, your parent would want you to continue the holiday. They wouldn’t want you to be sad, and skip the season. The first holidays without them is just about getting through it.

And that’s all you have to do. Get through it. The first holiday season without them. It won’t be easy.

But the next will be a little better. And then the next. Holidays, when you lose people, begin to lose their shine and excitement. Sometimes we never get that back. But we have to do our best to be thankful for the people we still have in our lives, and acknowledge and cherish them. Celebrate with those you can.

The first holiday season without you, and I just wish you were here.

Chicago born and raised. Stay strong but sweet.

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