It’s Okay To Want Something A Little More Than What Dating Has Turned Into

God & Man

Late night whispers and slurred words turn so quickly into waking up next to a stranger like the night before didn’t happen at all.

A look across the room thinking maybe it could be more.

More than where is this going later?

Will this be just another goodbye?

And numbers exchanged and you’re staring at your phone.

Waiting.

Talking but is anything actually being said.

Because no one knows how to listen anymore when all anyone cares about is what they are going to say next.

We are all a little jaded when it comes to love.

I know who burned me but I wonder who did the same to you.

Because there was once a time where all of it didn’t scare us so much.

A time when commitment beat not caring.

A time when problems were talked about and worked through and you came out the other side together.

Now the first mistake you make is a goodbye without the word and a compilation of stories ending at another dead end.

Watching others get it so right wondering where you went wrong this time.

Kissing strangers in a club because that’s what you are supposed to do.

The word relationship stings a lot more for people who want it badly.

When did a text grow to mean so much and a simple answer leaves you feeling less anxious than before.

Because the excuse I didn’t get your text doesn’t work anymore.

And you are staring at your phone every five seconds wondering did you word what you just sent correctly.

When a reply makes you look back at how long it took them to answer.

And you gauge that on when you’ll send the next text.

When you post a story or a picture in hopes just that one person sees it or likes it.

When social media adds validation to how people feel about you simply because everyone is afraid to say they care.

When everyone is so afraid of getting hurt they don’t give people chances.

When you jump too far ahead because you’re afraid of something going wrong, the natural progress of relationships doesn’t happen when you’ve slept with a person so quickly. But that’s become normal.

When first dates turn into job interviews because everyone judges each other a lot more harshly now.

When you cancel but stay home alone only you keep talking to the person all night.

When running into one another in public is this awkward silence that somehow says everything it needs to.

When rejection paralyzes you so much you fear even making any move.

When they say chivalry is outdated but hope and pray to God it isn’t.

When you want something more than dating that’s become casual.

When wanting to meet someone you have an emotional connection with seems foreign.

When you want someone you wouldn’t be afraid to bring home to your parents.

When staying in with someone on a Friday night just watching T.V is more appealing than going out and blacking out for shits.

When you finally bring someone around during the holidays and your heart beats a little faster because every year before you wondered when that would happen.

When patience and faith that one-day things would change becomes your reality.

When you begin to heal from the past because this person taught you it’s okay to have skeletons in your closet.

When you put your trust in someone and finally they don’t let you down.

When suddenly you are telling this person everything you’re too afraid to say out loud.

When they become a part of your routine.

And you begin leaving things at their place.

When I turns into we so easily. And you swore you’d never be one of those people.

But with them you are.

When the words I love you don’t leave you empty because there’s comfort in hearing it back.

When you suddenly have another gift to buy at Christmas.

And someone to kiss on New Years.

You look at them and realize it’s okay to have wanted something more.

Because you look them in the eyes and realize…

Every disappointment.

Every letdown.

Every heartbreak.

Every moment of confusion.

Every tear.

Suddenly became worth it as they kiss your forehead saying goodnight and not goodbye.
TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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