I almost wanted to explain to him all of it. Why I was the way I was. Why I acted the acted. Why I said the things I said. Almost like I needed to explain myself. Needed to justify my actions. Needed him to understand.
I wanted to tell him I text as fast as I do not because I’m bored or waiting, it’s just I grew so tired of watching others mess with me. Say one thing and do the next. Read my text just to ignore it. Then answer when they felt like. I never wanted to be that person.
I never wanted the pain others have caused me to turn me that cold or turn me into one of them.
I wanted to tell him I worry like I do because in my head are flashbacks of everyone who has done me wrong so I have to be this guarded.
I wanted to tell him I’m as blunt and forward as I am because I never want to lead someone on the way people have me.
I wanted to tell him I try as hard as I do because I want to give him a reason to stay. But no matter what I did or how hard I tried in the past, I was always the one hurting when they left. I was always the one looking at the door with explanations that never came as I stared at my reflection fixated upon flaws swearing it was me not good enough.
So I continue to try too hard. I do too much. For every person who has never appreciated it or reciprocated it in the past, with every new person came the same effort and silent hopes maybe they’d see the value in what I had to give.
It’s not an easy task not changing when all you’ve known is pain.
I wanted to tell him it isn’t him I don’t trust I just don’t trust people from before and I know things that have happened weren’t his fault but the past leaves scars that impact your future.
I wanted to tell him it isn’t that I lack confidence but I have heard throughout most of my life that I can be prettier or skinnier or better so I set out to attain these standards watching as I completely self-destructed. And no matter how much my reflection changed I never looked at myself with eyes of admiration but rather disgust because I started to believe them. So much so I couldn’t decipher lies from truth. That every time someone hurt me I thought that was why.
I wanted to tell him I’m not fishing for compliments when I fumble through changing a million outfits. It’s a process of learning to love myself and it still needs works.
I wanted to tell him that the term love yourself before you could love others would never be one that applies to me. Because the way I love is hard and raw and honest. And I don’t know how to not choose people over myself.
So instead I invest a lot into others hoping and praying they deserve it.
I wanted to tell him that every time he tells me I’m beautiful I’m still learning how to believe it.
I wanted to tell him when the lights went out and we laid there in each other’s arms it wasn’t him that did anything wrong. But I wasn’t ready for the next step. And as I fumbled through words he said I didn’t have to explain myself or give a reason. And I held back tears because most guys that came before him didn’t see me for who I was but rather what I could do to appease them and their needs. Something to conquer.
I wanted to tell him with every person before him I was giving so much of myself away from both physically and emotionally I lost myself.
I wanted to tell him on our first date he didn’t have to pay for everything. Even though I appreciated it, in the past it’s only been used against me to gain something I wasn’t ready to give.
I wanted to tell him when we first began, that I’m not whole and I’m not looking for someone to complete me or fix me. But I will give what I do have left.
I wanted to tell him goodbye that first morning we parted ways because I left not expecting to hear from him again.
What he didn’t know was how fast my heart raced when his name appeared on my phone asking what I was doing another night. A smile I couldn’t control came across my face when he told me he picked up my favorite wine.
I wanted to tell him how many times I gave not expecting things in return just hoping and praying it would be enough, only to watch it fall short so many times.
I wanted to tell him I’m still learning to heal from the past.
I wanted to tell him that same guy friend he met wasn’t someone he should question or be intimidated by but rather the person who made me cry myself to sleep on so many occasions someone who made me question myself.
The person who hurt me possibly more than anyone else could have.
That I had to forgive him for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I wanted to tell him my heart was his but I feared to be that vulnerable. So I stayed silent.
I feared being deceived again.
I feared to fall for someone again who said all the right things but didn’t follow it with action.
The guy who knew he was attractive and could get away with it.
When you finally meet someone good after a lot of really bad experiences it makes you question everyone including yourself and it’s hard to trust again.
It’s hard to put your faith in someone.
It’s hard to put your guard down and not think with every action comes a motive.
It’s hard to not be paranoid as fuck.
When all you’ve been is nice to those who didn’t deserve it, despite believing there are good guys out there you haven’t lived to experience it in whole.
Someone who is good all the time.
Someone who answers all the time.
Someone who is nice all the time.
Someone who keeps their word.
Someone who listens.
Someone who remembers.
Someone who isn’t afraid to hold your hand or kiss you in public because you aren’t some secret they have to keep.
Someone who doesn’t play some social media game of opening your snaps but ignoring your texts. Then blowing up your facebook and Instagram just because they want to know they have you.
Someone who doesn’t have to say sorry all the time or explain themselves.
Someone who actually follows through and doesn’t cancel on you last minute.
I wanted to tell him how scared I was of all of this. But I didn’t.
I wanted to tell him I wasn’t sure I was ready for someone like him just because it’s such unfamiliar territory.
But there was something about him that felt safe. Safe isn’t a word I’ve used in awhile to ever describe my relationships.
But instead of saying all these things and explaining myself I stayed silent hoping and praying he didn’t become just another lesson I had to learn the hard way.