“Is that what you came all this way to hear from me? You think it was tough out there? And what, you think it was easy for me without you? You thought that every single day wasn’t a God Damn marathon of my life without you?” – Dear John
Endings. Everyone talks about them like they’re easy. It’s something everyone goes through and you’ll get over it. But you aren’t there yet and that’s okay.
Endings, the really bad ones that completely blindside you, turn you into someone you don’t even recognize.
It’s waking up and it actually hurting. It’s someone being your first thought when you can’t even control it. It’s seeing them in your dreams and not wanting to wake up from it. It’s the tears no one knows you even cry. It’s falling to the knees on your bathroom floor and just wanting to stay there.
Heartbreak does not discriminate against race, ethnicity or gender. It takes everyone through the depths of hell at least once. And when you become its victim, you’re at its mercy.
It’s this darkness that doesn’t go away. It’s this pain that you physically can feel inside your bones. It’s hearing their name and your head turning both with the hope it might be them but if it is, that hurts just as much too.
Heartbreak is physically being somewhere but emotionally you aren’t. People look at you and it’s like a ghost of you is present. You try and engage in conversations and be okay but everyone knows you are so far from it. That’s the reality of getting your heart completely broken.
You go out on dates but no one matters. Because the truth is, no one is able to heal you. And there’s no quick fix to it.
It’s a silence that kills as you reach for your phone. You think about the time they used to be every goodnight and good morning text. You think about the time they were right there next to you. It seems like yesterday but also a lifetime ago, when things were right between you.
And you dwell on it, as you build them up in your mind while knocking yourself down for not keeping them.
You replay every detail wondering what’s wrong with you. Because when you get your heart broken that bad, it’s never them that’s to blame. You look at yourself and fixate upon flaws.
You go to the gym an extra hour. You eat a little healthier. You change something about yourself because when you truly get your heart broken, you don’t just lose someone you love, you lose part of yourself in the process.
And there’s nothing anyone can say or do to fix it because the only person that can change the way you feel is the one who made you feel these things in the first place.
I wish I could heal you. I wish I could make the healing process a little faster. I wish this wasn’t something you had to go through. And there’s nothing myself or anyone can say to get rid of that pain.
There is going to be a day when you wake up and it doesn’t hurt anymore. There’s going to be a day where they aren’t your first and last thought every day. There is going to be a day when you heal.
On that day, what you’ll come to realize about yourself is how strong you are. In the moments you hated yourself for this relationship ending, what you’ll learn is even people you think are perfect, aren’t always perfect for you. In time, you’ll realize it wasn’t you or your fault. And this heartbreak means you’re one step closer to finding someone who is the right one.
Heartbreak means you’re taking the right type of chance in your life.
There is going to be a day you’re really happy it didn’t work out with this person. As you mature and grow up and become the person you destined to be, you’ll realize the person you’ve become and that person you used to be are so different from one another, you wouldn’t even be able to date the same person.
And it’ll be in that change, you find an inner strength you never knew you had. And it’s because you were weak and broken you found out how not to be.
I promise you, one day that person will call you again. One day it’ll be their turn to regrets it. One day they’ll be the one asking for you back. And when that day comes, you’ll think back to everything they put you through and you’ll turn the other way because you’re going to realize, you deserve more than someone who has to lose you to realize your worth.