The Difference Was I Still Liked You In The Morning

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We both might have been drunk. Maybe you said a thing or two we didn’t mean. Maybe there was a string of words we didn’t really quite remember. But what I do remember saying was with complete raw honesty and a pinch of liquid courage was that I did like. I still like you. And somehow we ended up back together again late at night as I ran my fingers down your arm.

“There’s something about you it’s always gonna keep me coming back for more.”

It wasn’t just the sex. It was you. It was a feeling of complete security and comfort just having you near me. It was trusting you enough to tell you everything. So I did.

And you kissed me and complimented me and told me I was beautiful.

I don’t say things to be nice. I don’t tell you what you want to hear. I don’t lie to you drunk to gain anything. I’m uncomfortably honest with people without ever expecting anything in return because I believe you deserve to hear you mean the world to someone. You deserve to hear you’re handsome. You deserve to know that the moment you walk in a room somebody does notice. And I said all those things and I meant it. You ran your fingers through my hair like you have before calling me baby.

But then we woke up.

Everything about us is like a dream I didn’t want to wake up from.

I was reminded that kisses weren’t contracts and I shouldn’t believe what a guy says in bed because he’ll tell you anything.

Or at least you will tell me anything.

But the difference between you and I was when we each sobered up my heart didn’t change.

It was still yours to take as you wanted. But you didn’t want it.

And you got up and tip toed out kissing my forehead goodbye. No one would know and our secret would always be safe with me. But it wasn’t fair to me to have all these feelings left over while you just forgot everything you said. Because I remembered it.

As we part ways and cross paths and pretend this isn’t something I hold onto your words praying that deep down there might be truth to it. We exchange a look that tells secrets if only anyone knew and we know where we’re gonna end up later.

You can hit on girls in front of me but I’ll never do the same because my heart wants what it wants and it’s always been you.

I don’t want to be made to feel bad about wanting you sober.

You mean a lot to me and I know you know that. We’ll probably continue running in these circles as we do best but one day I hope it’ll stop.

One day I hope you wake and don’t want me to leave. One day I hope we’ll each want to stay.

Because I didn’t just want you on some drunk Saturday night I wanted you Sunday morning too. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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