1. Actively ignore your snapchats. Always sure to never open them until they’ve been sitting there for at least an hour.
2. Remind myself you don’t give a shit if I watch them or not and this overthinking is borderline pathetic.
3. Pick my hangnails. Wonder if it’s possible to pick your cuticles so much that they stop growing.
4. Take baths. And then post subtle leg pics of said baths on my Snapchat story where I refresh to see if you’ve watched it.
5. Take nudes that I delete. Examine my body inch by inch. Wonder if this body, this me, would feel the same sort of electricity being touched by you. Wonder what it would feel like if, and I mean if I let you.
6. Drink rosé. Pretend to love it. Pretend I don’t miss hard alcohol and bad decisions and people who made me chase them.
7. Drink water. Go to bed early.
8. Wake up even earlier. Wonder if despite the sun still being down, you’re somehow awake too.
9. Text my friends about you. Reminisce over how disposable you made me feel. Talk about things like “lack of emotional maturity” and “wrong for you” and “bad timing” until our thumbs get tired from typing out the clichés.
10. Swipe on Tinder. Make my bio something self-deprecating so as not to attract anyone who would believe I like myself.
11. Go on Tinder dates. Feel bored about it.
12. Ignore people from Tinder. Feel apathetic about it.
13. Show my friends your Instagram. Get mildly upset when they remark how “unfortunately hot” you are. Wonder if I’m less hot. Wonder if you’d still want me. Put too much stock into it.
14. Be insecure. Put my own self-worth on an unobtainable pedestal that’s only achievable by beating “best sex I’ve had in forever” or “running my own company”. Focus too much on it.
15. Masturbate. Feel apathetic about it. Feel anti-feminist for feeling that way.
16. Text someone exactly like you. In every way. Someone who embodies who you are but who loves me and would move mountains for me…but who I don’t love back. And who despite thinking for a moment I could, I never will.
17. Ghost him. Drop off the face of the earth. Feel again, apathetic about it.
18. Sleep too much. Feel groggy.
19. Not sleep enough. Consider saying, “Are you awake?” every time.
20. Go to text you. Rack my brain for something clever to say. Something to remind you that I’m a catch, and I’m “not like other girls”, and I’m deserving of your time. Something to make you remember why I’m me and I’m different and I’m special and I’m something better. Something to make you say, “I’ve missed you.”
21. Remeber I deleted your number. So that’s that.
23. And then lather, rinse, repeat.