The year is 2017. Everything is cursed. But you know who isn’t all that bad? Brian — this tall glass of skim milk who has never tweeted the phrase “not ALL men” and who you now are obligated to fall in love with because he openly doesn’t support Nazis!
1. He spends time with you. Yeah, this is literally a point on a list of “qualities” only a “great guy” can have. This is what it’s come down to, ladies: He can physically stomach the idea of sitting in the same room as you for a couple of hours a week. Ya-fucking-hoo. As long as he’s not whipping out his dick without your permission and masturbating into a plant, this is truly the ideal scenario every little girl grows up dreaming about being in.
2. He listens to you. Sweet, sweet Brian listens to you and can have civil conversations with you without needing to explain anything or loudly repeat your own jokes back to you (and even if he does, he at least makes the effort to nail down the punchline!). 10 years ago you’d probably think this was a no-brainer, but haha, here we fucking are! This is dating now!
3. You feel comfortable around him. Wow! When was the last time you were around a guy who didn’t say or do something that made you want to rip out his esophagus? What a treat to feel comfortable around someone — and I know what you’re thinking: In this economy? But it’s true!
4. He isn’t afraid to love you! Not even sure what this means, but I legally have to include this point. You know what’s scarier than the world officially succumbing into a dystopian hellscape? Committing to you! Brian is so brave.
5. He texts you back. Brian is really on a roll here. Responding to you on the device that’s permanently glued to his fucking face. Gold star for Brian — so cool of him to not go completely out of his way to ignore you.
6. He says he loves you no matter what. Do I hear wedding bells? What a miracle! Your faith in humanity must be restored because baby-faced Brian says that he can overlook your glaring flaws and continue to want to be with you. Look at that smug little smile he has when he tells you this. You are the luckiest girl in the world because he’s baseline not THAT evil of a person, compared to the rest of men. I mean, the worst thing about him is that he always includes “haha” at the end of all his texts (Even when what is being discussed isn’t even that funny. Is he just always laughing? What is the deal with that?) and he can’t drive. It could be worse! *SCREAMS*