1. While everyone is getting engaged, you are curling up in bed with your cat reaching for another handful of Cheetos wondering honestly what it would be like to want to commit yourself to one naked body for the rest of your life.
2. You read Thought Catalog articles about what the opposite (or same) sex finds attractive in a significant other with voracious rapidness and acute attention to detail.
3. You rejoice in the fact that you don’t even have to shave your vag/peen (if you do that, idk your life) because nobody will see or give a shit. You are free to be the hairy little beautiful unicorn creature that you are ~*~*
4. You keep getting matched up by your COUPLE FRIENDS with random people because they feel bad for you EXCEPT all of the romantic prospects they think are right for you happen to be the very people who are single for depressingly horrendous reasons.
5. If you’re going to embrace the title of “Perpetually Single Friend,” you’re going to do it after like, 6 weeks of being single.
6. Your friends are celebrating their anniversaries and you’re like, um, I’ve been devoted to the internet for a solid 10 years does that count for anything you awful, lovable plebes?
7. Your friends do weird things like “couples game night” or some shit and you’re never invited though you wouldn’t want to go anyway?
8. Nobody really asks if you’re seeing anybody special because after ~7 of those conversations, nobody wants to go through the soul-scratching awkwardness again.
9. Your parents are questioning your sexuality.
10. Gatherings with extended family members are particularly exhausting and stressful because they call for you to execute, with perfection, the quick summation of what you’re doing with your life, what you just accomplished and what your plans for the immediate and long-term future are. And even though you don’t have to bring up romance yourself, the question will inevitably follow with a hand on your shoulder and the “you’ll find someone when you least expect it.”
11. You read fan fiction daily.
12. You are the GO TO PERSON when someone briefly breaks up with their s/o and wants to go out on the town, you confirm as you open the door while popping a bottle of wine with your party dress (pants?) on with a huge grin on your face because FINALLY.
13. Everybody seems like a romantic prospect, at least when you first meet them. Everybody.
14. You have the sinking feeling you’re going to become that cool aunt/uncle that never married and your nieces and nephews will be told by your siblings that “they had a great life anyway! They travelled, worked, but never found someone…”
15. You will spend your money on craft beer, unique apartment furnishings, and John Green books. Jk, jk, guys. Liquor and dating website fees. We all know the truth.
BONUS: Your power anthem is “Ridin’ Solo.”