I am deep into my Gossip Girl rewatching. I followed the show from its first episode to its last, even when it was truly terrible and I hated every minute of it. I can’t explain why I love Gossip Girl so much, besides that at times it is insanely clever and the costumes are consistently great. I just got hooked, and I’m revisiting the show for that same reason. Except now with Netflix, I can watch every episode in a row without having to wait through a pesky TV cycle. And some stuff seems pretty crazy to me, even in the confines of Gossip Girl world, which is 100% not real. Spoilers abound here, so don’t read on if you want to get mad at me for spoiling a show that ended years ago.
1. In Season 3, Chuck is fighting Uncle Jack for control of his hotel empire. In Season 3, Chuck is 19. He is 19 years old and wheeling and dealing like a 60-year-old Mafia boss. When I was 19, I was living in a dorm room eating jam on Melba toast every night. These kids are running companies. OK.
2. People serve them alcohol constantly. I guess with money you do have a little easier time getting a cocktail, but they drink in public places in their uniforms! (OK, maybe that’s a stretch, but still, Jenny Humphrey never looks older than 17, even in her Courtney Love drag.)
3. All of the leads have sex with one another besides Serena/Chuck. And everyone is like, totally OK with that? I would not be OK with all of this friendcest. My (former) best friend DID get together with my ex and that shattered our friendship. I would’ve thought a friendship as often-tenuous as S and B’s wouldn’t survive that.
4. Why doesn’t Nate ever sleep with Lily?
5. Bart Bass dies TWICE? And very dramatically, at that. Bart is supposed to be this highly intelligent, super-vigilant bad dude and he falls off a building? I don’t buy it.
6. Also, when Bart dies and comes back, Lily’s just like, “Oh, OK, guess I’m back with you now! Sorry Rufus! Sorry Billy Baldwin! My bad, evil dead husband is back!”
7. Isn’t there something deeply unsettling about Rufus Humphrey? Maybe it’s the necklaces. Or the waffles. Or the caring eyes. Either way, watching Gossip Girl now I peg him for a huge weirdo. If I were Serena, Rufus would have made me start locking my doors.
8. VANESSA. Enough said. Did ANYONE like Vanessa? Her father was named Arlo. She grew up on a commune and referenced it in every single episode. Jessica Szhor, I’m sure you’re lovely but god, Vanessa was The. Worst. On a show full of Worsts! (Except you, Nate, you’re flawless.)
9. They tried really hard to make Bing happen for awhile. Bing did not happen.
10. The whole show revolves around these people going to college, but slowly college just … stops. No one talks about it anymore, not even pretentious Dan.
11. All of the literary namedropping – there’s no way Vanessa is taking a class from Sam Shepard. And Dan constantly referencing “Graydon” as in Graydon Carter towards the end of the series makes me laugh every time.
12. The Prince just marries Blair. It’s like, NBD that she isn’t royal.
13. Why wasn’t Dorota Gossip Girl? Really, no alternative makes sense to me.
14. In relation, there’s no way Dan is Gossip Girl. It never added up quite right.
15. So many loopholes! And dead-end plots. Remember how Blair was pregnant? Yeah, just a blip on the radar here to get rid of Louis. And Chuck’s mom? We never find out who she is. What happens to Georgina’s baby, Milo? I DIDN’T FORGET, GOSSIP GIRL.
16. Towards the end of the series, Nate, an adult man, dates a high schooler. And no one bats an eye. Why was Sage on the show as long as she was? She was worse than Jenny.
17. I hated Georgina Sparks during my first watch, but god if she isn’t the best part of the show a few years removed. Everything about her is great – Michelle Trachtenberg, the costumes, the ridiculous quips.
18. Nate and Serena don’t end up together why? They have the best chemistry and the same blandly perfect gorgeousness. I loved them together.
19. Dair, not so much. Bad all around. Blair lost all of her Blair-ness when she was with Dan, and her Blair-ness was what made the show worth watching.
20. People sure seem to be within close range of one another in New York City. Two characters are walking down the street scheming about another and OH LOOK WHO IT IS! It’s Dan, who lives in DUMBO, just chillin’ in the UES. The coincidences are a little insane. New York City does get small, but maybe not quite THAT small.
21. Cyrus is the greatest character on the show. That’s all. He gets a lot of credit but I think he deserves more.
22. What happens to Rufus and Lily’s son, Scott? He vanishes too. People vanish an awful lot on this show.