1. Luke, 22
I find it really attractive when a woman asks me how my day’s been in a non-transactional way.
2. Henry, 23
“That’s a nice cardigan.”
3. Carl, 16
My crush sits behind me in class. When I let her touch my hair, she always tells me how soft it is.
4. Zach, 25
“You don’t act like a virgin.”
5. Jonathan, 21
Any time a girl says she thought I was cute but also thought I was gay.
6. John, 22
“You’re so funny! Where do you come up with this stuff.”
7. Robert, 15
Whenever a girl compliments my cardigan.
8. Dylan, 21
“Have you seen Franklin and Bash? You look like that guy from Franklin and Bash. Amber, doesn’t he look like that guy Franklin and Bash?”
9. Tommy, 8
She didn’t say anything, but I pushed a girl in the mud and she cried.
10. Lee, 17
Prom night, my girlfriend of 2 months said “I love you” as we slow danced to Green Day’s Good Riddance.
11. Josh, 14
“You don’t look Jewish”
12. Fred, 22
“I think we should just be friends.”
13. Samuel, 25
“I’m attacking you with my Blood Paladin and also with Trachor, Harbinger of Silence. He’s +8, +8 and cannot be blocked.”
14. Victor, 24
“You look like an Asian version of that guy from Franklin and Bash. Hey, Amber! Doesn’t he look like that guy from Franklin and Bash, but Asian?”
15. Todd, 21
“Hey, fat ass. You’re a disgusting piece of shit, you know that? Yeah, keep walking you cardigan wearing fucktard.”
16. Tommy, 8
It was nap time and I was lying next to Beth, so I pulled her hair. She said, “Stop it, Tommy.” I liked the way she said my name, so I pulled her hair again and she cried.
17. Vince, 26
The elderly waitress called me Muffin several times.
18. Kyle, 16
I had just received a poor grade on my geometry test and the teacher said, “You should come by during lunch, and we can find a way to get that D up.” She wasn’t hot or anything, but the incidental euphemism was like YO.
19. Stephen, 19
“Is that with a PH or a V?”
20. Kurt, 20
“Has anyone ever told you that you look like that guy from Suits? Not the main one, but that other guy.”
21. Tony, 24
I been working in my father’s pizzeria for my whole life. I was making chit-chat with this cute girl lives down the street. She says, ”Are you working today? We should get coffee.” I was working, so nothing came of it. But I did jerk off my pepperoni to her later. Ay! Pizza!
22. Ben, 22
“It’s so big. Too big. I don’t think we should do this.”
23. Seth, 14
Something about the way girls ask for my algebra homework gets me sweaty. It’s like woah woah. Hands off the cardigan, ladies! But I don’t really mind. There’s enough Seth to go around.
24. Tommy, 8
At my sister’s birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese’s. She was ignoring me so I punched her in the stomach and she said, “I hate you! You’re the worst thing to ever happen to this family.”
25. Mike, 22
“You look like that one guy from Entourage. Not the main one, but his friend.”
26. Jeremy, 26
“Are you getting hard? No? That’s fine. Really, don’t worry about it.”
27. Daniel, 37
There I am reading in my favorite cafe when this immaculate doll takes a seat in the chair opposite me. She smiles. We exchange bashful glances. It’s too much. I giggle and spill my coffee all over my lap. She laughs and says, “Oh, poor baby! You made a mess. Let me get you something to clean that up with. You know, I’ve seen you in here before and have always wanted to say Hello. But I didn’t think anything I could say would interest you in the slightest. And here we are! I’m practically in your lap! Take me out tonight. I don’t care if that sounds crazy. And I don’t care if you’re virgin at 37, going on 38. I just want you inside of me. Even if you can only last a moment. Because none of that sex stuff is important to me. I’m just so happy to have met you. So what do you say? Let’s be lovers?”
28. Tommy, 8
I kicked my therapist at the youth correctional facility and she said I kicked like a man.
29. Charles, 19
“Love that cardigan!”
30. Darryl, 24
“You look like the black guy from Psych. Hey, Amber! Doesn’t this black guy– where’d she go?”
31. Alex, 22
Whenever a girl says I have nice eyes.
32. Pharzlax 5Y, 9,032,161
I was with this Robofluxor. She forms a dual-plasma transmission arc across my Verifuel™ Chamber, and is like “ACCESS DENIED”.
33. Tommy, 8
The nurse in the ER– “Wow, he is big for his age. He’s gonna be a stud in a few years.” “Karen, he’s a child!” “Oh, come on. He’s asleep. He doesn’t know what we’re saying.” “Oh god, it just twitched.” “I saw.”
34. Steven, 22