This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

She blinked as she stared down at the unconscious girl draped across me, Kat looking pissed and more than a little lost. Her confusion quickly turned to bewilderment as she finally noticed my bare ass angled up towards the ceiling. I heard the pipe drop from her hand and then clatter to the floor.


Blows to the head can be a tricky thing. Kat was out for less than ten minutes after Alabama struck her with that pipe. Then Kat knocks Alabama out with the SAME PIPE and it puts the crazy bitch into a coma. That wasn’t even the worst part.

Imagine trying to explain to the cops that the naked comatose girl with the bashed-in head is the one who needs to be arrested. Thankfully, Alabama had kept her psychotic obsession with me well-documented. Everything I told the cops was quickly verified once they got inside her apartment and started going through her computer.

That night, while the cops on scene at my place were still taking our statements, one of the CSI techs discovered a jar of human excrement in my hallway closet. This led the detectives to theorize that, unbeknownst to me, Alabama had been living in my apartment for most of the past month. A second jar, discovered under my bed, all but confirmed it.

Needless to say, things didn’t work out between me and Kat. Even after explaining the entire ordeal to her, reigniting that spark didn’t seem likely. I guess there are just some things in this world that can’t be un-seen and my bare ass primed for a fucking is one of them. So it goes….

And yet, when all was said and done, I kind of felt bad for Alabama. Not THAT bad but still, the girl was in a coma and the doctors said she had little to no hope of ever recovering. Then yesterday I got a call from one of the detectives who had been working my case; he was calling to tell me that Alabama’s hospital bed had been found empty this morning.

So, if you guys don’t hear from me for a while after this, at least you’ll know where to start looking. And if you’re ever on OKCupid and you come across an “Alabama Worley” who loves the Cure and Ridley Scott’s Alien, do yourself a favor:

Run.

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