1. Where do you take someone who was in a peek-a-boo accident? The ICU!
2. I heard of a book where Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat have a cross-country adventure. When I asked the librarian about it, she said, “It rings a bell but I’ll have to check whether it’s there or not.”
3. What’s a cowboy’s favorite car? Many people say it’s a Bronco, but it’s actually an Audi, pardner.
4. Me: You know it is statistically proven that people who talk to themselves are more intelligent and intuitive?
Them: Oh wow, that’s interesting.
Me: I wasn’t talking to you.
5. Where does a bee go to use the bathroom? To the BP station.
6. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better.
7. What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAND-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEE!
8. My brother fell into an upholstery machine. It’s okay. He’s completely recovered.
9. What’s the cheapest cut of meat you can buy? Deer balls; they’re under a buck.
10. How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty.
11. Why was Cinderella bad at soccer? Her coach was a pumpkin, her cleats were glass, and she kept running away from the ball!
12. Why did God only make one Yogi Bear? Because the second time he tried, he made a Boo Boo.
13. I sold my soul to the devil for a sandwich and a bag of crisps. It was a pact lunch.
14. I went to the coffee shop the other day, and the lady behind the counter asked me what I wanted. I said, “Give me your mildest roast.” She looked at me for a moment and said, “You have the most average ears.”
15. I told my girlfriend she draws her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
16. Do you have anything to drink?
I have water.
Do you have anything harder?
17. Why did the man at the can-crushing factory quit? Because it was soda pressing!
18. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed one on a bicycle? Attire (a tire).
19. Where do otters come from? Otter space.
20. Why do the French never eat two eggs? Because one egg is un oeuf.
21. What’s grey and cannot swim? A castle.
22. A farmer looks up and sees his prized sheepdog running toward him.
The sheepdog is panting, and says, “Boss, I did it. It took me all morning, but I finally got all 100 sheep in the barn.”
The farmer says, “That’s great, but we only have 97 sheep.”
The sheepdog says, “Yeah, I know. I rounded them up.”
23. I don’t trust elevators. I am taking steps to avoid them.
24. Why do sharks swim in saltwater? Pepperwater makes them sneeze.
25. What happened to the cow that jumped over a barbed-wire fence? Udder destruction.
26. How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it doesn’t screw.
27. You put the punchline first… How do you tell a time travel joke?
28. Statistically, 6 out of seven dwarves are unhappy.
29. What does the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
30. Two drums and cymbals fell off a cliff. Bah dum tish!