Good Comebacks

130+ Good Comebacks to Win Arguments

A funny comeback will help you win any argument. It’ll also make you look hilarious to anyone who overhears. Here are some good comebacks to use the next time someone insults you:

Funny Comebacks And Insults

three women sitting wooden bench by the tulip flower field
Unsplash / Priscilla Du Preez

Here are some good comebacks. They’re completely savage, so use them carefully!

  1. No matter how much a snake sheds its skin, it’s still a snake.
  2. Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
  3. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
  4. Don’t blame me for your stupidity. Take that up with your mom and dad.
  5. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
  6. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.
  7. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
  8. You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
  9. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
  10. Are you almost done with all of this drama? Because I need an intermission.
  11. N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”
  12. If you want to be a smartass, you have to be smart. Otherwise, you’re just an ass.
  13. I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
  14. Bye, hope to see you never.
  15. Oh, I’m sorry. I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.
  16. I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
  17. Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
  18. You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
  19. Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
  20. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.

Good Comebacks That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

2 women smiling and standing near trees during daytime
Unsplash / Omar Lopez

If you need a perfect comeback, there are plenty of funny ones below! Look no further, because here are some good comebacks to use:

  1. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  2. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
  3. You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.
  4. My straightener is hotter than you.
  5. I farted. That’s as close as you’re going to get to me giving a shit.
  6. Of course I’m talking like an idiot… how else could you understand me?
  7. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
  8. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
  9. You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
  10. Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
  11. I envy people who have never met you.
  12. Make you should eat makeup so you’re pretty on the inside.
  13. I’m not a proctologist but I know an asshole when I see one.
  14. You’re impossible to underestimate.
  15. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
  16. If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
  17. Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
  18. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
  19. I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
  20. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.

Hilarious Comebacks To Use On Friends

two women smiling while standing near wall
Unsplash / NeONBRAND

The best comebacks make you look mature. If someone calls you a mean name, then return the favor with one of these funny comebacks:

  1. I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
  2. If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
  3. Yes, I am a bitch, just not yours.
  4. Your mama had an epic fail. You!
  5. Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
  6. I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
  7. I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
  8. I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
  9. I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.
  10. I’ve been called worse by better.
  11.  The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
  12. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
  13. Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
  14. May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
  15. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
  16. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
  17. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  18. Your face makes onions cry.
  19. Don’t hate me because you ain’t me.
  20. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

Savage Comebacks They Won’t Recover From

smiling woman in green jacket
Unsplash / Brooke Cagle

A funny comeback will help you win an argument. It might even defuse the argument. The next time you’re hit with an insult, use a good comeback from this list:

  1. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
  2. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
  3. Earth is full. Go home.
  4. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
  5. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. That sounds like a you problem.
  8. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
  9. I told my therapist about you.
  10. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
  11. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
  12. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
  13. Where’d you get your clothes, girl, American Apparently Not?
  14. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  15.  Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
  16. Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
  17. You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
  18. You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.
  19. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
  20. How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

Good Comebacks For Any Argument

woman laughing beside woman smiling sitting on tufted sofa inside the room
Unsplash / Matheus Ferrero

Don’t be afraid to roast your friends. The next time they annoy you, say these witty words. They make for some pretty good comebacks!

  1. You are the human version of period cramps.
  2. Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
  3. Don’t get bitter, just get better.
  4. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
  5. Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
  6. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
  7. Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
  8. You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
  9. Grab a straw, because you suck.
  10. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
  11. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
  12. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
  13. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  14. Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
  15. I’m busy right now; can I ignore you another time?
  16. Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you.
  17. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
  18. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  19. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
  20. I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.

Good Comebacks You’ll Want To Use ASAP

two women standing in front of sunflower field
Unsplash / Brooke Cagle

If someone insults you, don’t call them a nasty name. Use one of these good comebacks from this list:

  1. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
  2. You are so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.
  3. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
  4. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
  5. I’ve been called worse by better.
  6. Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
  7. You look like a ‘before’ picture.
  8. Where’s your off button?
  9.  Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
  10. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
  11. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
  12. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
  13. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  14. Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
  15. If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
  16. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
  17. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
  18. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
  19. You should really come with a warning label.
  20. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?

Good Comebacks When Someone Calls You Names

man sitting beside two woman on gray surface
Unsplash / Omar Lopez

If your friends and family have a good sense of humor, they won’t be insulted when you say the quotes below. They’ll find this collection of roasts hilarious!

  1. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
  2. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
  3. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
  4. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
  5. If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard.
  6. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
  7. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
  8. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.
  9. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
  10. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
  11. The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
About the author
January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog.

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