Missing someone toxic can really mess with your brain. There are moments when you feel like you can forgive the bad stuff they put you through, when you feel like you’re over the pain by now, when you feel like it might be time to give them another chance.
You’re tempted to reach out to them, to talk to them again, to hear their voice, to check in to make sure they’re doing okay. You feel like it wouldn’t cause any harm, considering you’re older and wiser now. You wouldn’t be stupid enough to get hurt by them again. You know what you’re doing. You have a handle on yourself. You’re good.
And then a memory will pop out of nowhere, flooding you with bad feelings. All of a sudden, you will remember what it felt like when they were in your world — the anxiety you felt, the fear, the guilt, the confusion, the paranoia, the anger, the disappointment, the sadness.
In an instant, you’ll remember why you walked away from them. You’ll remember why you swore you would never look back. You’ll remember why you deserved so much better than them.
Just like that, you’re back to wanting nothing to do with them. You cannot believe that, even for a second, there was a part of you interested in allowing them back into your world. It makes you sick that you were going to give them another chance to hurt you, to rip apart your heart.
After all, you’re not actually done dealing with the damage they’ve caused. You’re still coping with the things they’ve said to you, still healing from the pain they’ve caused. Even though there are days when you feel much better, when you swear you’re making progress, the trauma hasn’t disappeared completely. It still surfaces here and there, at random times, just when you’re finally feeling safe.
When you miss someone toxic, it’s a roller coaster. Your emotions can change by the hour. You can switch between wishing you could reach out and give them another chance because they were such an important part of your world at one point — and insisting that you never want to see their face again because they hurt you worse than anyone else has ever hurt you.
You never know exactly how to feel about this person because they were horrible to you — but they were also sweet to you. They did the worst things imaginable to you — but they also were there for you during your worst moments.
If you’re feeling this way, you need to know it’s okay to miss someone toxic. Your brain isn’t wired wrong. Your heart doesn’t have horrible taste. It’s natural to miss someone who was such a big part of your life. It’s normal to feel tempted to reach out to them. But missing someone doesn’t mean you need to get in touch with someone. It doesn’t mean they deserve a second chance. It doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together.
Sometimes, you can miss them and be glad they’re gone at the same time.