Your Toxic Love Taught Me How To Leave

Your Toxic Love Taught Me How To Leave

You wonder how I was able to walk away from you after everything you’ve done for me. You wonder how I could be so cruel to someone I supposedly care about so much. You wonder how I could have the audacity to hurt you.

The truth is, you taught me how to do all of those things.

Even though you claimed to love me, you repeatedly hurt me. You made the same mistakes over and over again, on a loop. After everything I had done for you — after all of the favors I offered, after all of the effort I put in, after all of the second chances I gave — you continually treated me like shit. You showed me it was possible to ‘care’ about someone and hurt someone at the same time.

You showed me how to be selfish. You showed me how to put myself first. You showed me how to do what was best for myself and say screw everyone else — because you did all of those things to me. I watched you choose yourself over me time and time again. I watched you make selfish decisions that benefitted you but completely ruined me.

If you’re accusing me of being cruel and heartless right now, just know that I learned it from you.

Your toxic love taught me a lot of unhealthy lessons about relationships. It made me think of arguments as normal. It made me believe passion and pain went hand-in-hand. It warped the way I think about relationships. It warped the way I think about myself.

But the one good thing your toxic love taught me was how to make the best decision for myself without minding who got hurt. You taught me it’s okay to be selfish. You taught me my own feelings are the only ones that matter. You taught me to choose myself over everyone else, even you.

Throughout our time together, there were a million different occasions when I wondered how you could hurt me so badly when you supposedly loved me. That’s why I think it’s so funny you’ve been wondering how I could possibly walk away from you when I supposedly love you. I learned that skill from you. You only have yourself to thank.

Without you in my world, I would have continued down a sugary sweet path. I would have prided myself on my kindness. I would have used my soft heart to make decisions. But you hardened my heart. You taught me skepticism and selfishness. You taught me to think only of myself. You taught me to screw over everyone else, anyone else, as long as it would be better for me in the end.

It took a long time for me to put the lesson into action, but you were the one who taught me how to leave. And, trust me, my world is much better without you in it. My mind is much quieter. My baggage is much lighter. My future is much broader. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.

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