I am clingy — but I am also distant. There are days when I shoot the first text, when I slingshot compliments, when I like a string of selfies, when I allow the love to flow freely from my heart to my lips. Then there are other days when I want to be left alone, when I ignore my texts, when I lock myself in my bedroom, when I cancel every plan on my calendar. I switch between being the clingiest person you’ll ever meet and the most distant.
I am a giver — but I am also selfish. There are days when I hold open doors for strangers, when I offer to pay for meals, when I pick up phone calls at two in the morning in order to help a friend in need. Then there are other days when I only care about myself, when I act like a complete bitch, when I decide everyone else can screw themselves because the only person who looks out for me is me. I am the most generous person you will also meet but also the most selfish.
I am happy on my own — but I am also lonely. There are days when I am genuinely happy to spend time on my own, when I read books, when I watch shows, when I sing solos in front of my mirror. Then there are days when I stare at my phone screen in the hopes of a notification, when I am longing for human connection, when I feel like a failure for falling asleep inside of such an empty bed. I am the most independent person you will ever meet but also the loneliest.
I am a hard worker — but I am also lazy. There are days when I don’t want to move from the couch, when grabbing my charger is too much effort so I let my phone die, when I skip my exercise to sleep an extra hour or two. Then there are other days when I pull dark coffee all nighters, when I finish an entire list of chores within one weekend, when I accomplish more in an hour than most people will in a lifetime. I will switch between being the hardest worker you’ll ever meet and the laziest.
I am slowly learning our personality traits are forever shifting. Our partners might consider us stubborn but our bosses might consider us flexible. Our friends might consider us pushovers but our parents might admire our backbone. Different people see us in different ways at different points in time.
Our personalities are not black and white. We are not angels or devils. We are people. We exist in a grey area.
That is why you should never dwell on negatives about yourself. Never dwell on your mistakes. Never beat yourself up over the times when you acted awkward at a party — because there are just as many times when you acted eloquent. Don’t hate yourself for failing one time — because there are other times when you have succeeded.
You are not one set of personality traits. You are more complex than that.