I spent 2017 pretending to be happy with myself instead of actively working on becoming better. I spent 2017 shriveled into a ball of insecurity instead of growing into the girl I was meant to become.
I spent 2017 crying behind bathroom doors and wiping the tears away before anyone could catch them fall. I lied about being okay, about deserving better than you, about being over you.
I spent 2017 thinking about you as I sipped from my coffee mug in the morning until I sipped from a wine glass at night. I spent months missing you, coming up with new things to text you, wishing that I could come up with an elaborate plan to reel you back into my life.
But next year, I am going to put you in my past the way that I should have done a long time ago. I am going to redirect my focus from winning your love to earning self-love.
In 2018, I am not going to hold myself back out of fear. I am not going to stay in one place. I am not going to wait around for my love life to flourish when I can plant the seeds of my success. I am going to sling myself forward. I am going to put in the hours, I am going to reach for a promotion, I am going to hustle to create the life that I have dreamt about from the womb.
In 2018, I am going to be more selfish. I am going to chop my hair the way I want it and wear clothes that make me feel the most powerful. I am going to spend money on vacations and fleece blankets and candles. I am no longer going to make my decisions based off of what I think will impress you the most. I am no longer going to think more of your opinion than of my own.
In 2018, I am going to stop equating single with failure. I am going to stop assuming that someone sporting a ring holds more worth than me between their knuckles. I am going to stop falling in love with everyone who treats me with a sprinkle of kindness. I am going to stop praying to find my life partner. I am going to stop forcing myself to fall in love before I am truly ready.
In 2018, I am going to get over you for the first and final time. I am going to stop punishing myself with unkind words in front of reflections. I am going to stop hating myself for chasing you away and accept that you left of your own volition. I did nothing to cause it. I could do nothing to stop it. It was meant to end that way. It was meant to end.
In 2018, I am going to find happiness without you, without any man. In 2018, I am going to teach myself that self-love is the most important love. In 2018, I am going to find the strength that has been hibernating within me all throughout 2017.