There are endless perks of living The Single Life. Not sharing a bathroom. Never having to compromise on which restaurant to get take-out from. Starfishing. But as I slipped into my chunky-knit sweater and comfortable walking shoes this Halloween, I began to think of the perks (aside from like, companionship) that come with being in a long-term relationship. There are certain things that you simply no longer care about. They are as follows:
1. Knowing which foods are un-sexy to eat in front of someone. I’m not advocating for slovenly table etiquette, but there are no longer “danger” menu items, i.e. anything containing parsley, garlic, or — depending on your level of commitment — anything involving your hands.
2. The pressure of selecting a Halloween costume that is sexy but says, “I can read.” For some reason, it is part of the single girl mentality that we are probably going to meet the person of our dreams on Halloween, and should we be dressed in anything other than a sexy-yet-witty ensemble, all hopes of future romance will be shattered. Google “Freudian slip costume” and you’ll get a sense for what I’m talking about. When you’re no longer looking for prince charming, you can let your frumpy freak flag fly and dress as whatever you want.
3. The competition inherent in your female friendships, primarily as it relates to shiny hair. I challenge the most flag-waving of feminists to say they’ve never wished for their BFF’s legs/hair/eyelash extensions. It is inevitable, when getting ready with the same group of single girls who happen to be sifting through a shared pool of romantic interests, that jealousies will arise. Take competition out of the equation, and it becomes much easier to kick spite to the curb and embrace your uniquely limp hair for what it is.
4. Your bodycon dresses. I’m actually not sure if these are still a thing, but the point being you no longer feel the need to stuff yourself into dresses that function like a Chinese finger-trap for your stomach. Any article of clothing with the word “bandage” in it no longer has a home in your closet.
5. Hesitation regarding humiliating undergarments. Unfortunately for single ladies everywhere, women’s underwear continues to redefine “confusing” and “spinster” with new items on shelves daily. Beyond the unflattering shapewear of yesteryear, the modern woman (read: me last weekend at a wedding) gets to try things like these. Did I look like I had alien boobs? Yes. Did I wear them anyway? Absolutely.
6. Any nightclub intended for straight people. Long lines. Skeezy men. Expensive drinks. Also, see Article 4. This, of course, does not apply to gay bars, which are the best, because dancing in sneakers is like, really liberating.