Sometimes we are attracted to people who are just plain toxic. It’s like you are constantly grasping for the threads of hope they dangle sweetly in front of you, whether intentional or not, but you somehow still find your fingers slipping into thin air. You love seeing someone’s name flashing on your phone in the middle of the night. You like it when you stay up late at night talking with them over the phone. You would do anything just to make them smile, because you love the beautiful way their lips form a curve. You crave for how they look at you when you’re talking.
But when you look into their eyes, you can’t see the reflection you want.
There’s a disconnect, a gap that tells you that they’re quite not satisfied with your presence. They aren’t, and they will never be present with you. Despite of how badly you want them. And it breaks you. This is not the first time nor the last time you will feel it.
When they talk about the person they love, you want to believe that it is you that they’re talking about; words reach a part of you that makes you ache in both pleasure and pain. And a part of you seeks for that pain someone could give you. There’s a sudden twist to the cycle that makes you go back and forth to this person. You just can’t stop yourself from returning because of all the possibilities.
Getting hurt is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with someone else. And even the strongest among us fall apart by falling in love.
But I realize that while you may not be able to control how you feel, you do have control over how you allow yourself to be treated. You should never go back to the person that hurt you by giving yourself a hope that they’ll change because, realistically, they never will. And you should learn to accept that. Don’t let anyone treat you as an option when you could be someone else’s priority. You can never run away from these things, but a part of the solution is figuring out your limits and what you ultimately want for yourself. It’s not easy to grow when you find yourself slipping back into old, familiar patterns—pain. You should never go back to what hurts you because, in the end, your happiness is in your hands.
Some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that pain.