1. Taylor Swift dates too much
Oh my god, did you just make a joke about how Taylor Swift dates too many people and is like a total romance whore? I mean, right? Is she just gonna like, write a song about it? LOL. YOU ARE SO CLEVER AND ORIGINAL. No one else has ever had that thought. Also, good to know you have a vested interest in a 23-year-old’s love life. That’s certainly healthy for a grown person to fixate on. Taylor Swift can date everyone in Hollywood including Dame Judy Dench and I’d still find this topic boring. Byyyye.
2. The Jersey Shore
Not a show anymore. Don’t know why we keep talking about it or it’s stars. You guys have seen 30 Rock, right? Every bizarre thing actors (Re: Jenna, Tracy, The Situation, J-Woww) do is only to get attention — yes, even negative attention. You’re falling right into Snooki’s trap. (DO NOT MAKE A VAGINA JOKE HERE.)
No one is a slut. “Slut” is a made-up word to keep women from having as much fun as men. A person who enjoys sex is just a person and a person who is a virgin is also just a person and everyone should lay off each other’s sex lives. Retire the word “slut” please.
4. Are women funny?
Yes. Moving on.
5. The Mayan calendar
This should be done with in a few days but like with the Rapture, some dodos might come out and say they messed up the date and the real Apocalypse is sometime in 2015 so they can milk it for more attention and money. Can we agree this doesn’t exist and isn’t worth talking about? Or it does exist and then this post will be blown up and we will all be blown up and who cares? Not a worthy topic of conversation.
6. When men kiss on the lips
It’s not a big deal. The more we accept it as not a big deal, and in fact as just as legit as women friends showing affection for each other, the less we’ll see it continually used as a lazy, gay panic punchline. As Ewan McGregor said when George Stephanopolus tried to make fun of his lip-lock with Jim Carrey, men showing affection to each other shouldn’t be “an object of humor.” Well done, Obi-Wan.
7. Your ex
Resolve to no longer talk about your ex in 2013. It’s wasted breath. You’re not together anymore. Stop making yourself crazy worrying about and discussing to death what went wrong in that relationship. The more brain-space you give them, the more power they still have over you. Vow to move on. The less you talk about your ex, the less you’ll think about your ex. Then, you’ll be able to find someone new and better.
Nope. Shut it down.
9. Facebook Privacy Policies
They’re always changing and they always suck. We all know that by now. If you don’t get on those changes yourself when they update or delete Facebook when you think it’s getting too creepy, well, that’s on you.
10. Pregnant teenagers on reality shows
Come on, people. Every time I go to the supermarket, there’s a new tabloid cover with some knocked-up teenage girl and her crazy personal life with some bewildered 16-year-old boy who doesn’t know a baby from a video game controller. Is this really what we find interesting? Who are these girls? Why are they allowed to be exploited like this? Are we that desperate for new celebrities we make them out of being peeping Toms into the lives of sad people? We really want young kids to think this is how you get famous? Ugh.
11. Obama’s a Muslim from Kenya
Cut it out with your racist nonsense please. You know what? Even if he was a Muslim Kenyan balloon animal from space, which he is not, he’d be a better President than freaking anyone else we’ve got. Also, you’re racist.
12. Chris Christie’s weight
“Oh my Doritos, you guys. Have you like, seen him? He’s so fat! But like, why is he fat? How can a FAT PERSON possibly be governor of a state? I don’t…but like how? He always wears a track suit. Hahahaha, get it? BECAUSE HE IS FAT.” Yeah, we get it. He’s a big guy. It’s not funny. He did a great job after Sandy and deserves respect. Turns out fat people have brains and feelings. I know. Body-shaming hurts. So stop doing it.
13. Miley Cyrus’ hair
What was with the riot that happened when Miley cut her hair? Jeez. Everyone is so obsessed with the femininity of long hair, they were actually tweeting her saying she looked ugly now. What is wrong with people? The pixie cut looks cute. Let’s never discuss it again.
14. Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie
THIS IS NOT A THING. They probably don’t even care about each other anymore. Brad is not cheating on Angie with Jen. Jen is not heartbroken over pics of their latest foreign baby. Angie isn’t fighting with Brad’s mom who LOVED Jen. REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A THING ANYMORE. If you talk about this anymore, I will immediately fall asleep in front of you, standing up like a horse.
The movies are done. Rob and Kristen’s lives have been sufficiently intruded upon. Stephenie Meyer has a new movie based on one of her books coming out. Twilight is no longer a funny thing to include in a joke. The people that like it really like it and the people that don’t really don’t. No one’s changing any minds here. Your opinion is not original. No more talking about it. If you like the books/movies, go forth and like them in quiet with other people who like them! If you don’t, also shut up.
16. Making fun of celebrities with drug problems then mourning them when they die
Can we all agree to stop doing this? Yes, Lohan’s a mess. Yes, you might think it’s funny. But as someone who has experienced drug addiction and alcoholism from family members firsthand, it’s not funny. It’s sad. All the people who run around making jokes about Amy Winehouse and then totally LOVE her when she dies SUCK. This conversation is not funny. It’s only interesting if you want to talk about how to better help people with addictions, and not make an alcoholic zoo where we can all stare and judge the sick person. It’s gross.
17. Lana Del Rey
If you like her, go forth and like her. If you don’t, also shut up. I don’t need another site to run an “In Defense of Lana Del Rey” or a “The Problem with Lana Del Rey.” It’s not interesting.
18. The show ‘Girls’
If I see that promo poster one more time I’m going to flip out. I will actually burn down all of New York City and Brooklyn.
19. Sex tapes and leaked nudes
Maybe we don’t have to stop talking about this but I’d like to change the conversation from “Oh my god, did you see Christina Hendrick’s nips?” to “Can you believe someone she trusted and obviously cared about would do this to her?” The women/men who have their stuff leaked are the victims here. Why are we so nosy and eager to make fun of them? Let’s never again say, “Well, they got what they deserved for sending those pictures” and instead be mad at the sleezebag who went out and sold them. That’s a conversation actually worth having in 2013.
20. Can you really have a career and a successful relationship?!
Yes. Moving on.