We all know that men just know more about good movies than women. We get it, you women don’t. That’s why “guy” movies make more money than “chick flicks.” So we get that you don’t want to talk about movies. Yet at social gatherings you ladies desperately crave the attention of us movie-quoting men, so what can you do when you haven’t seen all our favorites?
To solve this age-old dilemma I re-enrolled at MIT and majored in Statistical Analysis and Film Studies. Sure, it took six years but I’ve done it! A list of The Only 20 Movies You Women Ever Need to Watch in order to appear “pretty cool.” And besides, why think for yourself when you can read a list?! Here they are in no particular order:
Something new to show you keep current. Quick tip: Make fun of Ben Affleck for casting himself in his own movie. What an ego, am I right?!
2. The Shawshank Redemption
This guy goes to jail, gets raped and escapes. Oh yeah, and he swam in poop. Yuck! Bonus: you can drop this factoid to sound really smart: It’s actually based on a Stephen King novella (that’s like a short novel) with a different name. Some “Rita” woman. Not important.
Practice a wheezy, cheek-heavy voice, say it’s “my Brando” and move on.
4. The Dark Knight
Heath Ledger was sooo good in this because he died right after.
5. Pulp Fiction
Say “non-linear narrative.” Get laid.
6. The Usual Suspects
If you don’t have much time, just say, “The ending blew my mind but I knew who Keyser (like the roll) Soze (like who fucking knows?) was the whole time.
7. Bottle Rocket
Major cred for seeing Owen Wilson BEFORE he sold out.
8. The Silence of the Lambs
Actually, just a genuinely awesome movie.
Think of this as Owen Wilson’s Bottle Rocket but for Christoph — the Batman guy.
10. The Matrix
This film changed the movie business, reshaped Keanu Reeves’ career and spawned two blockbuster/awful sequels. But all you really need to learn is to dodge bullets in slo-mo and say the words, “I know Kung Fu.”
Terrifying alien movie, the best of its kind. If the party is over, or if the chips run out or… pretty much anything at any time ends, just say “Game over, man” and wait for the adoration.
Most guys forget most of the movie so you’re in the clear on this one. Just say you also love it.
13. The Shining
I honestly didn’t get to the end but those twins were spooky!
14. Back to the Future
I think everyone has seen this but it’s just a treasure trove of quotable phrases and words you can’t skip. “Flux Capacitor”, “Jumping gigawatts” and, if the boys start talking about cars (do they ever stop?), just say, “It’s no DeLorean.” If they press you, say that you like the doors that open funny and walk away quickly muttering something about “88 miles per hour.”
A movie about a big shark that Steven Spielberg (you know him for making Hook) was “so genius to not show the audience for the first half of the film.”
16. Die Hard
Boys just seem to love John McClane (the guy from The Whole Nine Yards). “Yippee-Kai-Yay, Motherfucker” will make boys want to have sex with you. Well, more than they already do.
17. The Big Lebowski
“The Dude” is a lazy guy who is “so zen.” And Walter talks about ‘Nam.
18. Groundhog Day
Bill Murray repeats a day, over and over, until he finds true love. You women might actually like this one… but for the wrong reasons.
19. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Better known just as Terminator 2 or T2, and better than the original in almost every respect, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a killer robot from the future. One of the most famous lines in movie history is his, “I’ll be back.” NEVER use this quote.
20. Gone Baby Gone
An amazing, heartbreaking tale, another from Ben Affleck. Use this movie ONLY as the example of how Ben got it so RIGHT with this one, and so wrong with The Town or Argo or whatever.
This list obviously assumes you’ve seen the original Star Wars trilogy. If you ever want to get married you have to watch the original Star Wars trilogy.