I’m Tired Of People Breaking My Heart, So I’m Guarding It Myself

kirbyg
kirbyg

I need to stop allowing people to hold my hand only when they feel like it. I need to stop exerting efforts for people who cannot even take me out on a nice lunch. I need to stop being there for the people who are only present when they have no better place to be. I need to stop prioritizing people who only see me as an option.

I need to stop rushing love. I need to understand that love has its own timing. That a love meant for me will find me and will happen at exactly the right moment. I need to stop making it happen for myself, all the time. I need to understand that if I want something to last, something passionate, something stronger than any other desire – then it requires time, immense time. I have to allot time to wait with patience and delight in being alone.

I need to stop forcing love. Love has its own funny way of happening. I need to comprehend that a forced love will never inspire me in the years to come. I need to accept that sometimes the love I want, the love I desire will never be the kind that I will get. I need to live with the fact that I can’t impose myself with the people I fall for all the time, I can’t compel those I’m in love with to love me back.

I need to remind my heart that I can’t make everyone love me the way I wanted, the way I need to be loved.

I need to stop making it work with everyone I meet. I need to stop predicting a future with someone who said “hello”. I need to stop assuming that I can have a relationship with someone who asked me how I’ve been. I need to stop labeling chats or text messages that are totally random and meaningless for them in the first place. I need to stop hoping for that relationship that will never happen, for that reply that will never send, for that call that will never ring. I need to stop framing my life upon someone who smiled at me at the grocery store. I need to stop mumbling the idea of falling in love with someone who complemented my words. I need to stop defining and transforming mundane things into something they’re absolutely not.

I need to stop begging for love. I need to stop being needy. I need to stop being desperate for love. I need to bear in mind that love is NEVER something we should implore, because with all honesty, as human beings, love is something we are all entitled to. I need to learn that when it’s appointed for me, it will take place at the right time, right way, with the right mate. Whatever happens, I deserve it, we all do.

I need to stop building my life upon people who fear commitment. I need to stop expecting their time or efforts, especially when I know they can only give me a 2AM kind of text. I need to stop suffocating myself with the notion that I can change them or that I can make them want to be in a committed relationship especially when they’re only good when bored. I need to stop choosing the people who never chose me. I need to stop putting first the people who can only award me last.

I need to stop loving the wrong people.

Finally, I need to stop offering my heart to ultimately reckless, insensitive people who have no intentions of accomplishing a loyal life with me. I need to stop handing my heart to irresponsible people. I need to stop granting them the freedom to hold it, damage it and return it to me once they’re done. I need to stop letting their cigarettes burn holes within my heart. I need to stop permitting their blade sharp promises cut the life out of my heart. I need to stop letting the smiles on their faces bring sorrow to my heart. I need to stop giving them the permission to obliterate my heart. I need to lecture my heart to let go of these poisonous people. I need to stop being rude to my heart.

I need to stop. Once and for all, I need to start taking care of my heart. I need to begin my own healing. I need to forget the pain and the remorse. I need to dismiss the loneliness, the longing nights and the emptiness. I need to repair my heart. I need to suffice all the holes and band aid all the bruises and scars. I need to lay it down in soft velvet and rest it for a while. I need time in order for it to feel like it will be okay once more. And after that, I need to be sure of whom I’m giving it to. I need to be positive that they are the right people, that this time it will not be agonizing, but it will be worth it. That this time it will not be horrible, but it will be amazing. I need to give my heart to the people who will take full responsibility for it. The ones who would actually caress it with kindness and with real love.

That’s what I need. That’s all I need. TC mark

Dian Tinio

Dian is the author of Catastrophes, a prose and poetry collection exploring living and loving, breaking and mending, falling and rising, losing and surviving. Get in touch with her on Instagram and Twitter.

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