1. How many bras does it take?
This brings me to several corny and unfunny questions: you’ve removed a bra or two in your life, right? Why is it that 90% of dudes fumble with bras, then? Are we all out here removing our bras for them? Are we making it too easy? Or are our boobs just shitty comedians like, “hold please — LOL, but like hold on in this painfully awkward moment, in order to not hold these tits, get it?” Do my boobs expect me to giggle like I’m amused during the hold music that is your hands pawing at my bra clasps? Is this all a cruel joke?
2. You have seen plenty of vaginas, right?
Vaginas are like snowflakes, probably, in the way that no two are alike. I believe it was Molly Lambert who theorized Nicki Minaj’s ‘The Pink Print’ was a play on how every pussy’s print is unique…or something. BUT in general, you’ve seen and/or Googled vaginas — and the vulva and all it’s important parts, since the term ‘vagina’ technically pertains only to the inside — right? If not, Google them. Vaginas. As many as you can. Realize that you have to spend time on each one to figure out exactly how it works, but that you should know where a clitoris hangs out.
3. Who was the last person you had sex with?
Not going to ask this out loud. Do hope it wasn’t someone I know. Or do hope it was and that it was a safe person, I guess. Well, here’s to hoping “don’t ask, don’t tell” still has one positive purpose.
4. Are you going to get mad at me if you can’t get hard?
Please don’t be that guy.
5. Are you going to take it personally if I don’t get wet after five minutes?
Please also do not be that guy.
6. Are you going to take more than five minutes to learn what actually gets me wet in five minutes?
You can be that guy.
7. Are you one of those guys who doesn’t go down on girls?
So I don’t make the mistake of doing it first?
8. Have you spent your 1,000 hours on oral?
That’s what they say you need to spend to become an expert…Malcolm Gladwell wrote that somewhere, I think. Whatever. Chop chop, commence with the practice.
9. By how much are you lying about your number? And in which direction?
So you’ve slept with 25 other people? Hm. So is that 83 or 7?
10. Is it uncircumcised so I can mentally prepare?
Can handle it, but just need to be ready to handle it. Mentally. Then physically. Truthfully, it isn’t a huge deal and anyone who makes it a huge deal is wack — that said, what’s the skinsuation you have going on?
11. Do you have post-sex activities available?
Netflix. HBOGo. A soft blanket in which to become a blanket worm. A blunt. Snacks. A chilled beverage. Any and all of the above will do.
12. Does anything about you taste bad?
In all likelihood: probably, but also probably not. Humans have a way of being gross (alive) and still tasting good (well, like nothing. Like human.)
13. Do you jerk off a lot?
Can’t decide what answer would be good here besides “a healthy amount” but yeah. Still wondering.
14. Have you changed your sheets in the past two weeks?
Fluids. Bed bugs. Things. Just please say you do it.
15. You don’t work out, right?
Me neith — oh. I mean yeah. No, a healthy lifestyle is really important to me too.
16. Does it curve?
Are we talking a hard left? Hard right? Unexpected C?
17. Have you ever Googled how a uterus works?
Just wondering. Out of curiosity. Not entirely sure how penises work, honestly, but they seem pretty simple. They have *one* job and somehow get handjobs and blowjobs — isn’t that kind of bullshit? Call Sarah Silverman and tell her I’m coming for her spot with these ~zingers~!
18. What kind of porn do you watch?
Also not out loud. Most of these questions won’t vibrate in the airspace of day. Fingers crossed it’s not cartoons, but are cartoons > garden variety degradation? Just like, fingers crossed it isn’t Family Guy porn. Fingers crossed it isn’t finger-crossing porn, cause if that exists it sounds painful.
19. Do you have any STDs, profoundly advanced diseases, or sharp body parts that will harm me in some way?
Hipbone bruises are possible. STDs are relatively avoidable. So. There’s that.
20. Are you going to turn the lights off?
Both options are equally attractive and unattractive — lit is what it is…lit. That’s what they say now. Yup. That’s it…lit. It’s lit. Okay. Anyway.
21. Are you good with children and small animals?
Both important “yes” answers on the “are you a low key sociopath?” intake form that regulates which people are accepted into this vagina.
22. Are you going to put on music?
Is your playlist called fLuFfEd BoNeR JaMs? No? Just mine? Okay.
23. So when did you last get tested?
24. But when did you *actually* get tested last?
“Like, a couple weeks ago.” Mmmm.
25. But —
26. So you have condoms, right?
With all the preparing women do in their lives, for their sexual and reproductive health — tampons, pads, diva cups, hygienic towelettes, special soaps, regular trips to the gynecologist, Gardasil — you wouldn’t just skimp on your one job, right? You’re a boy scout about this. Show me the money — well like, the $5 rubbers you copped. Let’s be real.
27. …So you know you’re about to walk seven miles to 7-eleven to get the condoms, right?
Yeah, so a lot of us have stopped at no. 26 like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but dude, not this time. This time you’re to condom’s galore or there will be no and you will be out the door.