Christopher Hudspeth

For those of us with a filter and some insecure tendencies, liking and being liked is hard labor. We carry around a lumpy sack full of giant turnoffs, like a self-conscious Santa Clause.

That last slice of pizza is yours. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

When you tell somebody that they “look good today,” it’s important to realize that the more astonished you appear, the less of a compliment it becomes.

Are we supposed to be dating? Or are we more like good friends? Special buddies? No, not special buddies, that just sounds awkward. Hmm, maybe this is just about hooking up mostly. So like, are we one of those whatever with benefits type deals?

Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.

Come across something that you don’t need, need — but you’re convinced that you could really use (e.g. new bath towels, a Frappuccino maker, etc.). Place all of them in your cart with the utmost confidence.

Love shouldn’t make someone feel like a bother. We shouldn’t be able to empathize with a pesky gnat at a picnic, being shooed away.

As for extremely jealous, controlling situations — those typically aren’t going to end well, so walking (or even briskly jogging) away isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

When you’re starving for their time and attention, this is an opportunity for sustenance. The scraps and crumbs of their busy schedule will serve as nourishment. Very little, but that’s better than nothing.

Horrifying spelling. A text riddled with basic errors can be a deal breaker. Not abbreviations — but messages that look like the Zodiac-killer wrote them and take forever to decode.

Unsolved Mysteries is the reason why I watch my garage door go all the way down – because if I don’t, a killer will most definitely slide under at the last second.

I’ve shot airsoft guns, paintball guns, water guns, Nerf guns, staple guns – every type of gun that isn’t actual bullets.