These poor attempts at humor are, if nothing else, viable reasons to never invite me to hang out with you in a public environment. Recently I put out 50 Terrible Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand and was surprised at how positive the response was. Those were mostly random one-liners that I found all over the internet, but now I want to provide some of the many corny, generally unfunny, wordplay, pun jokes and witticisms I’ve made up myself. Some have been posted to my Twitter previously, but most are brand new one-liners that haven’t appeared yet, which was probably for the best.

1. Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.

2. When a guy pulls his penis out, he can tell what his partner thinks about his size based on their sighs.

3. For $10 an hour I’ll fart on your algebra book. Y? Not because mx+b, but because I’m a math tooter.

4. I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?

5. I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.

6. If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

7. Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me?  = A foursome inquiry.

8. Maybe it’s Maybelline, but what if it isn’t? People shouldn’t just MAKEUP these insinuations.

9. “I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.

10. Have you seen the pyramid schemes in Egypped.

11. I saw a guy hold up his little boy to shield his eyes from the brightness and I thought, I hope he doesn’t lose those songlasses.

12. Craigslist is a unique place where you can find a one-night stand or one nightstand.

13. Any pants can be considered high-wasted if the person wearing them drinks and smokes enough.

14. I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.

15. Prostitute 1: What should we do tonight? Horror movies?
Prostitute 2: I say movies.

16. Fall clothing really wears on my bank account. I want to stop buying, but I always end up swiping my debit cardigan.

17. To make a storrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry short.

18. People are willing to pose nude for artists they don’t even know – color me cautious, I think it seems sketchy.

19. Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift call that a 5-o’clock shadough.

20. My puns may be cheesy but I still think they’re pretty gouda. 

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