Chrissy Stockton

When you are married you’ve reached the end of the story, at least in our faulty cultural understanding of how your life is supposed to work. When you are single, anything can happen.

When i lost my v-card. He cried in fetal position then got up and proposed. I nervously smiled and hugged him. We went to sleep. Never spoke of it again.

The deep, forgiving cushion of your favorite armchair as you sink in to change the world via the Macbook warming your lap. The inviting “like” button on status updates from area non-profits.

When I was 14 I took the garbage out after dark.. it was 7:30pm.. I had literally just checked the clock before I went outside and when I got back inside it was 10pm. I lost 2.5 hours without noticing it and have no idea what happened.

“He sits up, looks over her shoulder, and sees what she’s doing, still in her sleep: loading his revolver.”

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

“How old do you have to be until you grow your condom?”

I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.

I was childhood friends with a murderer.

I worked at Blockbuster video a few years ago, and I got to tell Al Gore that he owed us 1.50 because he returned “I Love You Man” late.

Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.

“Running is my private time, my therapy, my religion.”

I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!

“I was never a feminist because I was never ugly enough for that.”

Take a personal day from work and actually do as many of these as you can. Instant epic-ness.

“I got bitten by a 6-year-old, will I turn into a 6-year-old?”

The woman miscarried. The bride called her with a response along the lines of “good, well now you can be back in the wedding.”

Ordinary life does not interest me.