Honey… What is this? What’s going on? What’s happening?
If it has genitals on the outside it’s hiding something on the inside.
Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.
Wow, ten years of game night. What a milestone. Maybe you should celebrate with a suicide pact.
Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Good Lord I can’t believe I’m at a public pool. Why doesn’t someone just directly pee on me?
Oh hey! Somebody got flowers. Or as I like to call them, poor people jewelry.
Let’s take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.
If you ever need someone to drink with, I’ll drink with you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’ll drink with you. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I love to drink!
I’m too tired to slap you, would you bash your face against my palm?
Knock! Knock! Anybody homo?
You say potato, I say vodka.
I guess I could get rid of Pastry Chef. He makes these weird brownies that don’t make me paranoid.
The only other person I’ve apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.
Light beer? What’s next, non addictive pain killers?
I’m gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.
You’ll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags.
I want a man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman.
I’ve been like a mother to that girl. I’ve locked her in her room, told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store!
Thats like saying Prada’s are just shoes, or vodka is just a morning beverage!
Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingbacks are for life.
By your inflect I can tell you think what you’re saying is funny, but no.
Oh my God, how can you drink straight orange juice first thing in the morning?
NO! I will not have sex for money! I only have sex for jewels, furs, or mixed securities, like a lady.
We talked, we laughed, he walked me home. He was such a gentleman. He opened the door for me, I opened my shirt for him.
Would you like me to preheat the oven or you wanna just dive right in?
Excuse me, lady, would you happen to have a breath mint? You do? Well, pop it in your mouth, woman. It’s not doing any good in your purse!
I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!
It’s not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill… or a crying baby.
Honey my catch phrase is: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, you figure it out.
Why don’t you save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs.
That was your drink talking? Well, right now, MY drink is talking. And it’s saying, “Drink me, I make life more fun. Anyone from a hgh school senior to a hobo under a bridge knows that!”
Honey, it’s a waste of time. Like exercise. Or reading to your kids.
OK, Rule number 1: Unless you’re served in a frosted glass, never come within 4 feet of my lips.
He’s taking me to Cancun for a week. Maybe I’ll take some jeans and trade ’em for a new maid.
I regret the day I ever laid boobs on that man!
Oh honey, that’s just a saying, like ‘Ooh. That sounds like fun’… or ‘I love you’.
Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!
Honey, I don’t look. I’m looked at.
Well, you’re all boring and I’m fun. 
