Chrissy Stockton

It took about a year to get the iconic shot in where blood pours out of the elevator in The Shining.

Stripped on a pool table while three guys watched and stuffed money in my underwear. I’m not a stripper I just did it for fun.

You can guard your heart and not get hurt again, or you can be vulnerable and experience love. You cannot do both, so you have a choice to make.

A man named William Morgan was rejected from the masons in the 1800s. He pitched and received a large advance to then publish a book revealing their secrets. He disappeared and was never seen or heard from again.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!”

Betsy Ross had girls sleep with enemies during the revolutionary war to gain intel. (Pretty much ran a brothel).

The best (er… worst?) of religious people on Facebook.

When you are married you’ve reached the end of the story, at least in our faulty cultural understanding of how your life is supposed to work. When you are single, anything can happen.

When i lost my v-card. He cried in fetal position then got up and proposed. I nervously smiled and hugged him. We went to sleep. Never spoke of it again.

The deep, forgiving cushion of your favorite armchair as you sink in to change the world via the Macbook warming your lap. The inviting “like” button on status updates from area non-profits.

When I was 14 I took the garbage out after dark.. it was 7:30pm.. I had literally just checked the clock before I went outside and when I got back inside it was 10pm. I lost 2.5 hours without noticing it and have no idea what happened.

“He sits up, looks over her shoulder, and sees what she’s doing, still in her sleep: loading his revolver.”

“I was called a slut for being a woman out at night.”

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

“How old do you have to be until you grow your condom?”

I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.

I was childhood friends with a murderer.

I worked at Blockbuster video a few years ago, and I got to tell Al Gore that he owed us 1.50 because he returned “I Love You Man” late.