Chrissy Stockton

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

“How old do you have to be until you grow your condom?”

I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.

I was childhood friends with a murderer.

I worked at Blockbuster video a few years ago, and I got to tell Al Gore that he owed us 1.50 because he returned “I Love You Man” late.

Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.

“Running is my private time, my therapy, my religion.”

I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!

“I was never a feminist because I was never ugly enough for that.”

Take a personal day from work and actually do as many of these as you can. Instant epic-ness.

“I got bitten by a 6-year-old, will I turn into a 6-year-old?”

The woman miscarried. The bride called her with a response along the lines of “good, well now you can be back in the wedding.”

Ordinary life does not interest me.

Con: you are mentally ill.

I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel!

You’ll take the word “yuppie” as a compliment thank-you-very-much.

Take a shit before sex. Don’t ask.

AIDS needles at the movie theater.