Chelsea Fagan

“Finally, I let her in, thinking that would calm her down. It did not. “

“Am I the only woman who doesn’t enjoy walking around naked for no reason in the locker room? Like, is blow-drying my hair buck naked a part of life I am not living to the fullest right now?”

Makeup shopping is a nightmare, because you will never be able to convey to the salesgirl that whatever their most pale foundation option is, you need something at least three shades paler than that.

Being stylish and taking pride in your appearance is something we all deserve to experience if we want to, without having to worry about gender or sex.

What is the most commonly missed activity or action in the bedroom that all guys should be doing?

If you just tell someone, “I have to get home and Skype with my Soulmate I only know over the internet because we haven’t spoken in almost three weeks and she’s about to go on a vacation with her family,” you will look insane.

Big is a feeling, it’s worrying that your thighs might dimple when you cross your legs, or that a bikini will turn into a joke on your body, or that the dress you have chosen doesn’t fit onto the diagram that Cosmopolitan has told you illustrates your body shape. (“You aren’t hourglass, dear, you are pear-shaped.”)

Sauvignon Blanc is the guy you meet at 25 who changes everything. All of a sudden, it’s like you’re dating as an adult, and you can just enjoy each other’s company without having to make any rushed bad decisions.

You can’t get over how not-attracted you should be to him, but there it is. He talks to you, and suddenly you can’t even function, and keep making sad attempts at being funny to keep up with him.

My name is Ashley and I am a junior at a mid-range state university majoring in communications.

You feel that you have evolved to a refined, classy level of getting drunk, where they are all kamikazes and Red Bulls and bumping into you while dancing to their 21-year-old music.

All BFFs have a private, weird, twin-language-esque sense of humor that doesn’t make sense to anyone else. You need to preserve this, no matter who you’re dating.

I know this list is getting a little heavy on the “things with melted cheese on top of them” side, but frankly, that is the best genre of food we have.

I know this seems counterintuitive, but it really is one of the most most important signs that an overthinker is into you.

You just located a job after ten months of endless resume-sending. It’s only right to log onto Facebook, crack your knuckles triumphantly, and whip up a status along these lines:

We all know what REAL around-the-house clothes are, and it’s probably something like “ratty old tee shirt from your high school class trip and sweatpants with a broken drawstring.”

Microwaved the Cadbury egg on top of a slice of bread. Wrapped the bread around the melted egg, and there you go. Almost burned my tongue off.

It seems clear to me now, though, that the kind of hookup culture we see in movies and TV and in the apps marketed to us for increasingly unemotional sex, that this really isn’t what people want.