1. Smirnoff Ice
Smirnoff Ice is the guy you dated when you just turned 17, when you first realized that dating was even an option. You definitely weren’t into the nitty gritty that goes with actual relationships, so you wanted the least difficult/painful thing you could possibly choose. He’s the guy who seemed so sexy and mysterious at 17, when you were watching him do terrible tricks at the skate park around sunset, flipping aside his vaguely scene, highlighted side-bangs. But then one day you catch yourself hooking up with him again around 21, and you are overwhelmed with shame and distress. “You don’t actually enjoy that shit, do you?” your friend asks, snidely. “Of course not, haha, it’s for teenagers!” you reply, painfully repressing your nostalgia.
2. Long Island Iced Tea
You don’t really remember what Long Island Iced Tea looks like, all you remember is the next day when you received a call from someone you had saved in your phone as “Lng Islandd ;)” that asked when he could see you again, and you pretended to be a Chinese takeout restaurant.
3. Vodka Soda
Vodka Soda — or, as you affectionally call him during hookups, “Vokka Soda haha” — is your go-to guy. You know that you will eventually move on to nicer, classier guys, but for right now, your tastes aren’t that evolved and you want something that tastes the same every time. He is probably the guy you hooked up with once a year or so ago, and it never really went anywhere, but every time you’re out and you don’t know who to text, you somehow default to him. And he’s nothing special, but you know exactly what you’re getting when you send that message.
4. Good Scotch
Good Scotch is the guy who is one or two full points out of your league, but you always try and impress him when you’re out together, in the hopes that he’ll magically fall in love with you in return. You don’t really like him, you can’t keep up with him financially, and he never treats you very well — but something about being with him makes you feel like an adult. He has a good apartment, and takes you to impressive dinners, and wears the kinds of sweaters that make you feel like he would be a good dad some day. So you pretend to enjoy your time together, and everyone is like “Wow, what a catch!” and you’re like, “I know!” as you suppress the urge to gag.
5. Cuervo Shots
Cuervo is your ultimate booty call. Nothing’s going right, you’re not feeling the way you should, and it’s almost two in the morning. There’s no time to fuck around with perennial nice guys like Rosé or Stella Artois. You have a job to do, and so it’s time to call Cuervo. You know where you’ll end up by 4 AM — covered in smeared mascara and craving chicken tenders — but for now, it’s all you can think of. You don’t need to be loved, you need to be drunk.
6. Sauvignon Blanc
Sauvignon Blanc is the guy you meet at 25 who changes everything. All of a sudden, it’s like you’re dating as an adult, and you can just enjoy each other’s company without having to make any rushed bad decisions. Your parents love him, and your friends want to meet his single friends, and everything is going swimmingly. He even buys you tampons and Entenmann’s when you’re bloaty even though you’ve been dating for, like, a month. And even though he’s definitely the kind of guy you’ve been talking about wanting to find, you can’t help but find yourself on those special Friday nights, hesitating on hitting send on a text to Cuervo. The heart wants what it wants.
7. Natty Light
You met Natty Light at 19 when you were way too mature to be seen hooking up with Smirnoff Ice, and you wanted something for a slightly more evolved palate. You were like, “Fuck this, I want something that’s still under five dollars, but instead of being sugary and delicious, tastes like urine!” And so you hooked up with Natty Light for a full year, cringing every step of the way, because you felt like it made you a more evolved human being.
8. Local Craft Beer
And everything was going well until you met his older, more thoughtful, vaguely Tom Hiddleston-y brother, Local Craft Beer. And it was a little strange at first — you were used to your boyfriends being watery and sad, and you definitely felt like you were cheating on Natty Light by being with him — but eventually everyone got over the awkwardness of the transition and the two of you had a really happy, fulfilling relationship together. Even if he can be really fucking expensive for no reason.