1. The guy at the gym who terrifies you with his hotness, and is built like every hot Chris acting in movies right now.
Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pine — this guy has that level of athletic, pure, über-hotness that should be boring, but which in real life is captivating. It’s almost like you can’t believe he’s near you, biceps tugging at his tee shirt, entering hour two of his treadmill routine. You’re not attracted to him, per se, because he’s just so out of your solar system of realistic hotness, but he does get your attention enough to suddenly try to make whatever crunch/lunge you’re doing “sexy.” (Lol, no.)
2. The tall, thin DILF in an impeccable suit, playing with his tiny daughter in a princess dress.
The most elusive, thrilling species of DILF, the be-suited DILF with his tiny daughter (who causes him to instantly melt from Grown Ass Business Bro to Giant Puddle Of Love) is our greatest natural resource. They are enough to stop even the most seasoned hottie-spotter in her tracks, the perfect combination of adorable and full-grown sexy. And on that note, I present to you my favorite GIF of all time:
3. The tattooed, bearded DILF in a v-neck tee, playing with his tiny daughter in a princess dress.
Another strong contender in the Best DILF Category, aka my favorite award of all time, we have the mildly tough-looking dad who has just enough grungy-ness about him to let you know that he has probably knocked out another man’s teeth in a bar fight, but now his favorite activity is having tea parties with his tiny daughter. Side note: Once I saw a guy letting his kids color in his tattoos with washable markers at a coffee shop, and I have still not fully recovered from this sight.
4. The guy that is so weird looking that he’s suddenly attractive, and you can’t stop staring at him.
I’m thinking Adam Driver from GIRLS, or something in a similar genre. He’s just so odd and gangly and awkward, and there is nothing about him on paper that would make him hot, and yet… and yet….
5. The guy whose hair is so Harry Styles-level good that you don’t even notice the rest of him.
You’re not even really sure what his face looks like, but he has that Zac Efron-meets-Harry Styles-meets-Dave Franco-esque Hot Asshole Hair, and all you want to do is tousle it and grab it and trade tips about the best products that maintain structural integrity without looking heavy. His hair is the source of his power and you are fallin’ for the follicles.
6. Cristoph Waltz.
I know that Christoph Waltz shouldn’t really be his own genre, as he’s just one man, but I believe firmly that there is something in his very essence that defies any other definition of hotness available. He is intellectual and rugged, refined and raw, bearded and clean shaven in equally hot measures. (Not to mention, he definitely seems like the type of guy who knows his way around a good spanking.) And let’s talk about the evolution of his hotness.
From Pretty Young Thing:
To nearly-60-year-old beauty:
No one does aging quite like this piece of Hot German Sausage (I’m sorry, grandma).
7. The hot barista who doesn’t realize he’s the hot barista, it’s just a job he happens to have.
While few things can be worse than the “hot barista” who is too into the whole thing, and is the slightly less cool version of the “hot bartender,” a guy who just happens to be hot and a barista is incredibly cute. He’s not in it to hit on random women, he just likes the job. Of course, this ironically ends up making him a hundred times more attractive, particularly when he’s making you a perfect cappuccino and genuinely asking how your day went. He is Chill Hot Barista, and we need more of him.
8. The really articulate guy who tries to hide his accent, but lapses back into it while drunk/with family.
Now I admit that I am biased because my boyfriend (shout out!) has a strong regional accent that he does his best to hide in day-to-day life, but which inevitably slips out from time to time. And there is something so charming about wanting to prosper in life through perfect articulation, but not being able to fully conceal your (sometimes podunk) roots.
9. The reformed asshole whose asshole tendencies you hear about and feel a little smug over.
The thing is that you have acquired him when he has transformed into a full-on man, and has left his asshole ways in the past, and this makes you the envy of every girl who had him during his Asshole Era and thought that their love could reform him. There is something so satisfying about knowing that your guy is capable of being kind of a dick, but has moved past that, and is now a good boy in the context of your relationship. It’s somewhat sadistic, yeah, but so is life.
10. The guy who isn’t even attractive, but is so cocky/hilarious that you’re obsessed with him.
You can’t get over how not-attracted you should be to him, but there it is. He talks to you, and suddenly you can’t even function, and keep making sad attempts at being funny to keep up with him. He just has this “I don’t give a shit what you think of me, I love me, you’re either along for the ride or you’re not” attitude that is truly intoxicating.
11. The guy with a great head of hair who intentionally shaves it because he owns his buzzcut.
Nothing quite as sexy as the Intentional Baldy, the guy who chooses to rock the shaved-head look because he has the head to support it and doesn’t have anything to prove. I present exhibit Smith Jerrod:
12. The otherwise normal-ish guy you are sitting across from on public transport, and who is made super hot by the mystery and proximity.
Am I the only person who falls in love on a regular basis on public transportation? There is just something about being trapped across from someone for a few minutes that takes you through the whole arc of a relationship in 15 metro stops. You meet cute, you are filled with infatuation, you question whether or not he feels the same, you imagine what your children would look like, you are angry at him for not randomly asking for your number, then you morn the loss when he gets off a few stops before you. And he doesn’t even have to be that conventionally hot, he just has to be 70 percent your type, and sitting across from you reading a cool book.
13. The guy who looks exactly like your ex, and whom you want to date specifically so you can re-enact your failed relationship.
The most unhealthy, and yet most brutally real, of all Very Specific Crushes. Just don’t tell anyone, because they would judge for being a bad person (even though I totally get you).