We’ve all seen a movie or two about a demon-possessed house and some severely stupid homeowners who nearly get killed by it. In fact, one reason I adamantly refuse to move is because I am positive I would be the dumbass woman to live in one of those houses.
But I am not alone. Author Olivia Cole nearly made the same mistake until her husband managed to talk her out of living in the Devil’s house itself, and she shared the whole thing in Twitter.
So I may have done the whitest thing imaginable today. I never thought I would be this white woman.
But here we are. Join me for this story
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Trust me, this is a good one.
My husband and I just moved to Louisville and we hate our apartment. So we've been checking out new places to rent. Today we had a showing.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We really want more space so have been checking out rental homes. Today we saw this cute older house. A bungalow. I was all pic.twitter.com/w8N5hBgH8N
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
It rained last night so the outside is a little gloomy. Older house. Wet stone. My husband is like "Eh it's a little creepy." pic.twitter.com/iHHpG7NCYq
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I'm all "No! it's just rainy! It's cute!" So the agent starts giving us the tour.
First thing we notice is this weird grate thing inside.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I say "we." No. My *husband* noticed. I was admiring the crown moulding and he was like "Um, what is this?" *points*
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: "Oh that's just the return vent for the AC."
Me: "Oh okay!"
Husband: "Why does it look like the bars to a dungeon?"
Agent: pic.twitter.com/peolDuk2lK
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
So, that’s a little weird, I guess. But the crown moulding!
We move along in the tour. We check out the kitchen. It's tiny and I cook a lot, so even I was like, "hmm." Husband notices something.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
"What are these scratches on the window?"
Agent: "Oh, I think it's tough to open so probably a little wear and tear."
Me: "Oh okay!"
Him: pic.twitter.com/DJOgLCTKgi
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
OK, so maybe the scratches aren’t all that normal… but every house needs a little work, right?
We check out the upstairs. Perfect room for a nursery. Master bedroom is smallish, but nice big closet. Me right now: pic.twitter.com/Em1NQ2msmW
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband *inspecting closet*: "Um…what is this little door inside the closet?"
Agent: "What little door? Oh. I didn't notice that." pic.twitter.com/PIk60dCYMY
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband opens the door. It's a tiny dark room.
Husband looks at me, whispers: "It looks like that shit from Get Out, Olivia."
Me by now: pic.twitter.com/9c32VsbTNv
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
OK, so maybe that’s really not normal.
Agent: "Let's check out the basement next, shall we?"
Me: "Okay!"
Husband: "I mean…"
We go to the basement.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
It's very clean and not super dark. Lots of shelving. Couple chairs.
And a door in the very back.
It has three padlocks & a sliding lock.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband immediately: "What does that door go to?"
Agent quickly: "Oh, I don't think it goes anywhere. We don't have a key."
Me: Ok!
Him: pic.twitter.com/4x4ISH3DXb
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE A KEY? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LOCKS?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!
Agent: "I think it goes to the backyard."
Husband: "Why is it locked? With like 10 locks?"
Agent: pic.twitter.com/jZQJgi0vQM
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: "Let's check out the backyard, shall we?"
Me: "Okay!"
Husband: "Lord Jesus."
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We go to the backyard. It's so cute. Rosebushes. Hostas and shit. Firepit.
Me, forgetting about the door locked to keep the Devil out: pic.twitter.com/bZrS4DmeAh
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
There's a latticework thingy that hides the underside of the house. I see a door.
Me: See? There's the door! It just goes to the backyard!
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband: You realize that door is on the opposite side of the basement. (points at blank wall) That's where the locked door should be.
Me: pic.twitter.com/tn7X9Y6xqF
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
And he was right. The door I was looking at had a window into the basement. The place where the Devil-locked door should have been was empty
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
LOL NOPE. That’s exactly where I’d be out.
Agent: "We take online applications as well as paper. <goes over the details.>
Me: "Uh…okay."
Husband: pic.twitter.com/NVBYrVxoep
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We get in the car. Drive away down the gray empty street. I say,
"So…what did you think?"
Husband: pic.twitter.com/nYzI0VFRpl
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
All of us have seen the movie where the white woman is making dumb ass decisions & ignoring EVERY SIGN OF THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Well, everyone. Today. Today I was that white woman.
The devil almost got me for some goddamn rosebushes and a built-in china cabinet.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I was almost signing a 12 month lease with The Conjuring bc my white ass got taken in by some original hardwood floors & a porcelain tub
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Considering lighting sage in case the Devil saw my dumb ass swooning over a screened-in verandah and decided to follow me home.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
I mean, you have to admit, it all sounded pretty tempting… or is that just me?
Pray for me. But more importantly….pray for my husband for marrying my dumb ass.
Fin.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Note: A white woman replied to this thread and said "Well, a porcelain tub? Now I get it!"
See. We cannot be trusted. HGTV by Stephen King
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
We can all agree that Olivia dodged a bullet there.
So glad you didn't let the devil use you. pic.twitter.com/ReqKiMotB4
— The Enigma (@Batty_Bwoy) May 11, 2017
This thread has me in tears, the road to hell is paved with rosebushes & porcelain bathtubs https://t.co/80EIjc88QX
— Janelle Belgrave L.Ac (@JSoAbove) May 11, 2017
Hmmmmm, in my experience so far in this life locks are there for a reason. pic.twitter.com/NsO11isDLZ
— Horatio Xanatos (@Horus_Xero) May 11, 2017
But OK, maybe we’d all be guilty of making her same mistakes.
I'd've done the same damn thing. "Are there keys to the murder door? Do we have to feed the homunculus or does it have its own lease?"
— Uumellmahaye (@AnnLarimer) May 11, 2017
https://twitter.com/brandonmackey_/status/862697073694707712
Porcelain would get a pass from me, but a cast iron clawfoot tub and I'd be right in there with sage & my kitchen witch & St Brigid's cross.
— Liddle Lamzy Dive Bar (@saucissonsec) May 11, 2017
I would make all sorts of questionable decisions for a porcelain tub.
— Heather Hunter (@thisfishy) May 11, 2017
Same here, I was like "hang on, a screened in verandah? How bad a roomie could the Devil really be?"
— Margaret Maffai (@MargaretMaffai) May 11, 2017
The moral of the story: you shouldn’t ignore signs of demon possession just for a porcelain bathtub and screened-in verandah, but we probably would anyway. Sorry not sorry. 
