A Gentleman’s Guide To Cunnilingus

Carpet-munching. Muff diving. Pleasing her beaver. Chowing her box. Licking her honeypot. Sniffing her roses. Nibbling her peach. There’s lots of ways of saying it, but we’re gonna call it cunnilingus. And from what girl friends report too often a twentysomething guy is somewhat virginal when it comes to sticking his face in her special place. I gotta stand up for guys on this one. For three reasons – one, few dudes are lucky enough to have anyone show them what to do; two, each women is so different sexually it can sometimes feel like you’re learning everything all over again; three, as guys we expect competency from ourselves and we shy away from doing what we don’t feel comfortable doing. Now, I’m not letting guys off the hook. But I’m in your corner. I wanted to compile this to help men and women alike. What I mean is, this is meant for men, but the results benefit straight women, too. (I assume lesbians don’t need any advice from me, but you’re welcome to read on, and I’m flattered if you do). This informal guide is to help any dude surprise the next woman he gets naked with, by not just going down on her and clumsily trying to eat her out, but instead, he’ll know how to nibble on her peach with his lips, his tongue, his whole face like it was the ripest peach he’d ever been lucky enough to enjoy. That’s what we’re going for here.

I’m no expert. I was just lucky enough to have a few older women take me by the hand, bed my ass down and show me how to make a woman’s vagina happy. Sensing my enthusiasm, they were willing teachers. In the past you may not have been eager to chow box, but I’m betting once you feel comfortable, once you know what you’re doing and once you can reliably drive a woman to orgasm with just your tongue and mouth, you may feel differently. You may find you’re more eager to suck on her honeypot.

A guy likes to be good at whatever he does. And since each woman’s sexuality is a mystery, we’re gonna consider lots of different tools you can use to help solve each mystery you meet. But I warn you, there is no mastery of a vagina. You can master Tetris but you can’t master something that changes like the weather. All you get to do is enjoy teasing and pleasing them. And that’s the first step. Become a fan of vaginas.

Time for some unspoken truth. Most guys secretly believe great sex means their dick is the prime focus, the star of the picture. And like a priapic porn star, we think it’s some awesome fucking when we’re pumping away like a well-lubed Saudi oil well. Throw out that porno thinking. These day we’re blessed with more porn stars than we rightly deserve, and as much as we love their work, learning to fuck from porn stars is like learning to start a small business from your local heroin dealer. (now you might not have a local heroin dealer, if so, check you out, you’re doing something right). The point is you don’t wanna fuck like a self-obsessed porn star. Expand the focus of your sexuality from your love stick to your whole body and her whole body.

They call it muff-diving because you should be enthusiastic. Dive in face-first with gusto. Let her feel your desire to pull her body up against your face, to inhale her, to divide her with your tongue and taste her. Let her feel how long you’ve waited to be between her legs, how you’ve lusted to slide face-first into her. Don’t say it in words. Don’t say anything at all. Just let her feel it. (I’ll try not to let this devolve into a romance novel. I know we’re teetering on the line).

Very important – don’t rush to the vagina. Enjoy the curves of her body. All the way down. Possibly go kissing past her pussy on your way to her calves and ankles. Then slowly make your way back up to her waiting pearly gates. Tease her with expectation the whole time. Run your lips like feathers over her skin, massage her body, hands don’t need to be anywhere near her vagina to be totally involved. Remember that. Before you get to her vagina, play small games of anticipation. Let her desperately want what she can’t have until finally you give her what she wants and you press your lips against hers. The satisfaction will be far more immense.

Approach with your whole face. Graze her vagina as you nuzzle her clitoris with the bridge of your nose. And then let your tongue show up to the pussy party and part her labia like Moses spreading the Red Sea. And no, that’s not a menstruation joke (but it could be).

Most women are shaved these days. Which means, you gotta think a sec before you rub your face all over the most sensitive sections of her body. If you haven’t shaved your face recently and you feel stubbly, don’t go crazy rubbing your facial sandpaper on her crotch. She’ll want to kill you the next day – and you don’t want that.

A woman once told me cunnilingus is just like you’re eating ice cream. You want to apply a good amount of pressure with your tongue but not so much you knock the scoop off the cone. You wanna lick her firmly with your tongue so you can get a good taste and savor her flavor. Sometimes you kinda wanna kiss and squeeze the ice cream with your lips. And you definitely wanna suck and use your tongue in just about every direction and approach it from all sorts of angles.

It’s always nice to give your tongue a break, mix it up and maybe bring in a few fingers for some variety. But this is important – ONLY if you have trimmed nails. If you don’t cut your shit, keep your hands to yourself. If your fingers are pussy-friendly use your digits like a finger painter. You want them to always be moist, and always sliding and swirling and rubbing but not really poking, prodding, or jabbing. Slippery and graceful. Artistically playful. And always with moist fingers. You might wanna start with sliding in a finger as you tongue her clitoris, but don’t rush it. Her breathing will tell you everything. With time she might enjoy more fingers, might not. If you’re unsure, you can ask how it all feels for her and if she wants more or less. Never hesitate to ask questions. This is the ultimate ABC: Always Be Curious.

I assume you can find a clitoris. If not, it’s at the top of her vagina, where her labia meet, it’s covered by a hood of flesh. If you rub on her clitoral hood, it’ll come out to play. Some women like vigorous action. Some insist you be super gentle. All I can tell you is, don’t actually flick her bean, just rub her clitoris with your fingers, kinda mash and circle it with your tongue, vary what you’re doing, with both pressure and approach. Pay attention to what elicits moans. Mix it up. And ignore the male tendency to “dial it in,” there is no one way to please a clitoris. It can be different on a day-to-day basis for the same woman. Just see what pleases her that day, in that naked moment.

After teasing and pleasing her clitoris awhile, once it’s present and excited, you can try gently sucking on it. Suck it into your mouth. Roll her clitoris across your lips. Maybe enhance the feeling with trembling lips. Nibble on her clitoris with your lips. Pull her clitoris further into your mouth and let your tongue rub against it. Up and down motions, soft circles, and back and forth like tiny slaps that are actually more like licks.

While you’re doing all this you might wanna stroke her thighs with widespread fingers, rake them slowly, letting her feel your passion for her in each drag of a fingertip. It’s almost like clawing but just with the ends of your fingers – not the nails. Unless she’s into that – and if so, rock on. Either way, let it feel somewhat primal and hungry as you pull her body against your face. Let her feel desired.

If you wanna give good oral sex, pay attention to the woman’s comfort. Most likely, no matter how cool and confident she looks like, on the inside she’s probably a ball of insecurities, and pretty certain she and her vagina don’t measure up to media standards, and she probably assumes she doesn’t compare favorably to other woman you’ve been with. You don’t want her thinking like that when you’re face deep, giving her close-up attention. Help her relax so she can enjoy you tongue pleasing, without being stuck in her head, or worse yet, pretending to enjoy it. You want her fully relaxed so she’s aware of every flutter of your tongue.

Here are 5 general guidelines to keep in mind:

1. Softer than you think, slower is better, and use lots of variety.
2. Before, during and after everything, always make sure she’s comfortable.
3. Use everything, you hands, your tongue, your nose, your cheeks, everything.
4. It’s oral sex but involve her whole body, breasts, thighs, hips, back and butt.
5. Enjoy yourself and make sure she feels as lucky and as good as you do.

A man always feels more confident when he knows what he’s doing. With practice he can become an artisan, an expert, able to do wonderful things. When you get better at giving a woman pleasure your whole life will change. I know, that sounds like bullshit. It kinda is. But it’s also totally true. Whenever you improve at something you gain confidence in other aspects of your life. Some things give a little more kick in your step than others. If you know that last night you curled a woman’s toes and turned her into a moaning, writhing orgasm machine, using just your tongue, trust, the next morning you’ll walk a little taller. Learn to please women’s vaginas and your future self will thank you. It used to be you were less of a man if you ate pussy. Now, you’re way more of a man if you give good cunnilingus. So be a gentleman and really learn to please your lady.

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