Thought Catalog
September 15, 2014

How To Get A Girlfriend In 26 Easy Steps

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What is the issue?
image - Flickr / Alex Dram
image – Flickr / Alex Dram
  1. Just be yourself!
  2. How’d that last step go? Horribly? Exactly. Keep reading.
  3. Does the girl you want to date have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband? If so, you must be realistic about your odds. Is he more successful than you? Is he more charming? Taller? Better looking? If you were her, would you rather have sex with him or you? If you were you, would you rather have sex with her or him? Are you gay? Maybe you’re gay.
  4. You need to differentiate yourself from the pack – what makes you unique? What sets you apart? Hopefully it’s your sense of style and not the number of fingers you have.
  5. You’re going to need to step up your flirting game. A skilled flirter can make the initial stages of meeting someone fun and exciting and can signal attraction without coming across desperate or overeager. A bad flirter can be publicly caned in Singapore and imprisoned without trial.
  6. Initiate innocent body contact by touching her arm or standing close to her in conversation. If she leans into you or reciprocates your touch, she’s probably interested in you. If she moves to the next subway car, you should really stop touching strangers on the subway. It’s illegal.
  7. As every 4th grader knows, the one you tease you is often the one you like. The same is true with adults, and lighthearted jests are a great way to playfully get the attention of your crush. Many “pickup artists” have stressed the importance of negs, or backhanded compliments designed to callously manipulate a potential sex partner’s emotions into a state of temporary weakness in which they may decide to sleep with you. This is obviously a useful skill which has helped said pickup artists live meaningful and fulfilling lives which in no way seem pathetic or depressing.
  8. Show off your talents. As Napoleon Dynamite once said, “Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.” Most guys resort to lame, overdone tactics like “being good at sports” or “playing guitar,” whereas I prefer to display unique traits like “being polite” or “dating a blind chick.”
  9. Women love mystery – I know, because my mom has seen like every episode of Murder, She Wrote at least 4 times. Satisfy her craving for unpredictability by moving to a different city, never speaking to her again, and spending the rest of your life avoiding intimacy.
  10. One memorable way to impress a girl is by displaying your incredible bravery. It’s hard to look brave in everyday situations, so this one may require some scheming. Once I hired a guy to attempt to kidnap this coworker I had a crush on, with the catch being that I would heroically foil the abduction and make her fall madly in love with me. Unfortunately, I got stuck in traffic on the way to the office that morning. But not a day goes by that we don’t think about you, Sharon from Accounting!
  11. Also, one time I unleashed a horde of spiders into this girl’s room and then knocked on the door and valiantly offered to kill them all, but she had already jumped out the window and the spiders had gone rogue and the whole thing ended in a criminal investigation and some pretty unprecedented legislative reform (not in my favor, either), so I wouldn’t really recommend that one, I guess.
  12. Girls go crazy for complex, intricately sculpted facial hair. Beards just don’t cut it anymore – to really impress, you’ll need something exotic, like a Fu Manchu, pencil moustache, or a Shenandoah. I know a dude with a neckbeard so silky smooth it’d make Beyoncé’s finest weave look like the dude from Counting Crow’s dreads. My own facial hair is an exact replica of the hedge maze from The Shining, complete with a mole on my right cheek that looks kind of like a dead Jack Nicholson.
  13. As the saying goes, “The clothes make the man.” Although, sometimes the man makes the clothes. Like in a sweatshop, for instance. Other times, your grandma sews you a really comfy puce cardigan. Once I found a pair of perfectly good shoes in the bathroom of a movie theater.
  14. Check out her interests on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Make casual, subtle references to her favorite things, like “Hey, Jenn how was your weekend? Is your dad doing better? Oh really? I’m so sorry to JOHN MAYER ONE TREE HILL THE NOTEBOOK BYE SEE YOU NEVER”
  15. Remember that asking a girl out could lead to an actual date which could lead to an extended courtship which could lead to a long-term relationship which could lead to marriage which could lead to a stable family which could lead to old age which could lead to death. Take time to think things over and make sure that this girl is really worth dying over.
  16. Talking to a girl you really like can be stressful and anxiety-provoking. That’s why God made safari-grade muscle relaxants. Thanks, God! You’re such a wise and caring God. We all really appreciate it down here! Also, I can’t feel anything below my eyebrows and I think I just drooled spinal fluid.
  17. If you have a mutual friend, they can be a huge help when it comes to navigating the awkward space between friendship and relationship. Also, maybe you can have a threesome.
  18. Plan a great first date. Strive for something unusual and exciting that she will never forget. What is she more likely to remember for the rest of her life, half-off appetizers at Applebee’s or a ride in a hot-air balloon? The answer is obvious: you can’t get potato skins on a hot-air balloon.
  19. Or, take her to the movies and see something scary. This is an old-fashioned trick to get her close to you and feeling vaguely threatened without doing anything illegal. I once got to third base after taking a chick to see Simon Birch.
  20. Never ask out an unpopular girl on a dare and then unexpectedly fall in love with her. Haven’t you ever seen a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie you idiot?
  21. Women love a good listener, so you should definitely give her your therapist’s number.
  22. Be a gentleman. Hold open doors, pull out her chair, and nod agreeably when she looks deeply into your eyes and explains, “Oh my god, chivalry is so
  23. If you’re not already an amazingly gifted dancer like myself, you’ll need to practice. Any self-respecting lady isn’t going to be seen on the dance floor with a stiff, awkward guy who moves like your dad when he hears a Doobie Brothers song at a BBQ. Some guys mistakenly think that dancing is just grinding, but that’s no way to meet a girlfriend. They key is to find a club that is lightly attended enough that potential mates will be unable to ignore the graceful click of your tap shoes as you slowly caress yourself during a stirring interpretive piece inspired by the music of The Pointer Sisters.
  24. If you want to win a woman’s heart, you must first persuade her vagina. A real man is eager to selflessly pleasure a woman beyond her wildest dreams. I’m no expert, but I’ve used the internet to help brush up on my oral sex skills, and it has made a huge difference – I can’t tell you how many second dates I’ve locked down by bragging to women about my “deepthroating skills.”
  25. Lingerie is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom. Protip: The woman is supposed to be the one who wears it.
  26. Take things slow. Trying to rush a relationship can backfire miserably – slow and steady wins the race! Take it from me, I haven’t even spoken to my future wife yet. Also, I dropped my binoculars and I think I’m going to need a hand getting out of this tree in her backyard… TC mark