1. You find yourself going to a party and immediately asking your friend if anyone there is single. You thought such desperate behavior only existed in TV and the movies but nope! THIS IS THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN SINGLE 20-SOMETHING. Soak it up! Also: If you ask in advance and find out that no single people will be at the party, you don’t even bother going.
2. You get embarrassingly excited whenever there’s a new episode of your favorite television show. “Phew, what a relief. This is almost as good as having someone who’s in love with me! Talk about cushioning the blow! You know, if Bravo aired new episodes of my fave TV shows 24/7, I doubt I’d ever need things like blowjobs and intimacy.”
3. All of your other single friends are starting to look like deflated balloons clenching a glass of rosé.
4. You have this thought semi-regularly: “How were the ladies of Sex and the City always so happy? If being single is this #dark at 25, imagine what it’ll be like ten years from now. Possibly just an endless of montage of the two single people left on Earth roaming the streets, pawing at people’s windows and getting drunk on the StairMaster at a local YMCA.
5. Things that aren’t normally regarded as depressing become so if you’re single. Take baths, for example. If someone who’s in a relationship takes a bath, it’s seen as luxurious and “INDEPENDENT ME” time. Being in love is hard work. Take a load off! If a single person does it, however, it’s viewed as a cry for help. “OMG,” your non-single friend screams. “Get out of the bath, honey! It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be so sad. Just get out!”
6. Your friends look at you with this newfound pity in their eyes. You were once on equal playing fields but now you’re not, now you exist in a different, sadder category. You’re the friend they have to worry about, the one they have to help. Whenever someone utters your name at brunch, a solitary tear falls down everyone’s cheek.
7. You find yourself doing things alone that are so terrifying and sad. Like, you didn’t think you would eat dinner alone at a Subway on a Saturday night until you were at least 35.
8. You feel shut out of Saturdays and Sundays. Your taken friends won’t hang out with you, couples are roaming the streets and taking over your space. You’re a leper! “This is our town now, bitch!”, one happy couple hisses at you at the dog park.
9. Your mother is starting to take an active interest in the state of your love life. The second your mom cares about whether or not you’re getting laid, you know things are bad.
Mom: Honey, I know a gay person! He’s in my yoga class and he’s very handsome.
You: Mom, you live 3,000 miles away from me.
Mom: Well, you never know. You two might hit it off and you’d move back.
You: (PAUSE) Who is he?
Mom: Well, I don’t know. We’ve never spoken. But I know for certain he’s gay.
Mom: It’s the way he bends.