The 20 Best Things That Could Ever Happen To Someone
1. You get your dream job. After spending years at places where you feel constantly demoralized and hate your life, you reach the professional finish line and land a job that’s everything you’ve ever wanted. Even when your dream job occasionally gives you nightmares (and trust me, it will), you will flash back to a memory of someone who’s only a year older than you are, barking at you to get coffee, and feel eternally grateful. You reach a certain point in your career when you will NEVER have to get someone coffee ever again. Breathe a sigh of relief. You’ve freaking earned it.
2. You like someone. You really like someone. And, miracle of miracles, they like you back! They tell you so and everything! “I like you too,” they say, as you’re left winded in disbelief. “Come again? Can I get that in writing?” Honestly, having your feelings be reciprocated feels soooooo good. Like, you’re not crazy and living in your own head all the time. Your experiences are based in reality and someone is definitely picking up what you’re putting down. After they tell you the good news, you can run to go vomit in the bushes and then live happily ever after.
3. Open bars. Open bars are the best thing that could ever happen to someone, especially if you’re in your 20s and end up spending most of your paycheck on nice alcohol. Showing up to a party and dreading how much money you’re about to spend on overpriced and weak drinks, only to realize that the drinks are, in fact, free is like waking up on Christmas morning! You’ll probably end up drinking too much (“MUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE BOOZE. CAN’T COMPREHEND MODERATION AT CURRENT MOMENT IN TIME!”) but at least when you wake up the next morning hungover, you won’t scream at your bank balance.
4. That moment when you really want to flake on someone but can’t bring yourself to do it. Then, moments later, they text YOU to flake. Ah, you really dodged a bullet there! You can text back and pretend to be annoyed but inside, you are just so relieved. “HOW DARE YOU!” (Thank you JESUS!)
5. When you see yourself make real progress. Suddenly you’re not drinking so much and falling into bed with the wrong people. Your bad habits are becoming less pervasive and you’re finally figuring out how to take care of yourself.
6. You get a text message that you have been waiting for. It was sent to you when you were sleeping, so it’s the first thing you see in the morning when you wake up. You guys, it is straight up embarrassing how a simple text can make or break your day, but WHATEVER. You just got your dream text. Go on and live off that euphoria for the next 48 hours.
7. You become an aunt/uncle to a little blob of baby skin! You never cared about babies before. In fact, you might’ve been scared of them before. But now that you’re related to this adorable thing, you can feel your heart start to thaw.
8. Coming home to a full DVR to catch up on.
9. Experiencing a day when the internet doesn’t exist and you are just living your life and being happy and time is moving by so nicely and you’re kissing someone in the middle of the day and you realize it’s the realest thing that’s happened to you in a long time. This is what you’ve wanted. This is what makes you truly happy. No distractions, just lips, tongue, and a human connection. YOU DON’T NEED A WIFI PASSWORD FOR THIS, YOU GUYS.
10. Spending time with your family and not fighting once or thinking that you’re adopted.
11. Getting out of credit card debt and paying off your student loans. (HAS ANYONE DONE THIS YET? YOU LET ME KNOW, OKAY?)
12. Reading a book that leaves you feeling invigorated and needing to create something.
13. For a brief moment, not feeling like you want or need anything other than what you already have.
14. Going to an amazing party where everyone decides to get the same amount of wasted and there is no judgement. Everyone is on the same page about wanting to have some epic fun.
15. Finding your Favorite New Song and knowing that you won’t listen to anything else for the next week.
16. Waking up to no hangover when there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have been feeling like hell.
17. Gathering the resolve to say good-bye to someone who has been treating you vaguely like crap for years.
18. Not getting sick. The one thing we take advantage of is our good health. If you’ve had the fortune of not having any major health problems in your life, you are a very lucky individual.
19. Your best friend is getting married and it doesn’t send you into a spiral of grief! The person is actually cool and doesn’t make you want to kill yourself!
20. Seeing a best friend for the first time in forever and being able to jump right back into it like no time has passed at all.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.