1. “You should wait a few hours to text him back…”
When you have a crush on someone, most of the major action happens via text message. You agonize every word and punctuation choice, thinking that the wrong decision can ultimately make or break your chances for a relationship, but you know what? It’s total BS. Stop consulting your friends about it because whenever you receive a text from The One, they’re going to give you bad advice like, “Wait a few hours to text him back. You don’t want to appear desperate.” But then you know what happens if you sit on a text and take four hours to respond? Your crush, in turn, picks up on your little game and waits even longer to respond to your text. It becomes a vicious cycle and before you know it, it’s been two days and you’ve accomplished nothing besides “Hey. What’s up?” Just text them back when you receive the text, for the love of God. You won’t seem desperate! And even if you do, who cares? This person is obviously not the one for you if they can’t handle a punctual text. COULD YOU REALLY HAVE A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN’T DEAL WITH SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS AN ON-TIME TEXT?
2. “Put yourself out there more!”
Do not tell someone to put themselves out there more because chances are they’re already out and it’s just that no one’s biting. The only person it’s acceptable to say this to is your friend who unknowingly has a permanent frown on their face and is scaring away a lot of potential partners on accident. In all of other cases though, you should avoid this advice like the plague. It’s condescending, rude and I’m #NotClearOn what it actually means. Like “put yourself out there more” where? On someone’s dick? At a funeral? No.
3. “Look them up on Facebook!”
Do not lurk someone’s Facebok before you agree to go out with them. You run the high risk of being turned off by what you find, which isn’t a fair judgment! Some people are just bad at the Internet, okay? It reveals nothing about their true character. In my experience, it’s the people who don’t give a f–k about their Internet presence that are actually the coolest IRL. Because truly awesome people are too busy being amazing to put up a good default pic on Facebook. (I realize that, by using this logic, I would be very lame IRL but I swear I’m not!) So just stay offline and stay in love!
4.”Remember, if they do *insert supposedly terrible thing here*, it’s a dealbreaker!”
When you’re deciding whether or not you should date someone, you’re allowed to have a few non-negotiables. Mine are the following: must not be a murderer of puppies and small children, enjoy making me feel bad about myself, or like the TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond. Everything else, I’m kind of like, “whatevs.” But not everyone else is so open-minded. I feel like whenever I’m out with friends and someone’s discussing a potential love interest, they’ll say something like “He was really, sweet, amazing and funny, BUT OMG, he wore open-toed sandals!” And someone will scream “DEALBREAKER!” and everyone will laugh, acknowledging that there is no way this relationship could ever happen because of his footwear choice, and then the subject will be abandoned. While I agree that open-toed sandals don’t make me jizz all over myself, I don’t really see a problem with them. Think of it this way: would you rather have potentially mind-blowing sex with someone who has a crappy taste in shoes, or would you rather be alone… forever? If we keep on creating these arbitrary dealbreakers, we’re going to miss out on a lot of sex, experiences, and potential love. Stop listening to your judgmental friends. They’re probably just pissed that their vibrator ran out of batteries last night.
5. “Wait for them to make the first move!”
I have female friends, who are otherwise liberal feminist thinkers, that still subscribe to the idea that a man should always make the first move. When I ask them why the relationship hasn’t progressed, they’ll offer up the excuse of “I’m sorry but I’m a girl and he should be the one who takes the initiative!” Excuse me but Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan did not work their asses off just so you could sit by the phone. It doesn’t matter if you have a P or V, anyone can text and/ or make out. Don’t take that crappy antiquated advice. We’re not getting any younger! (FIRST) MOVE IT!