Thought Catalog
June 28, 2011

5 Hot Men Who Also Happen To Be Insane Murderers

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What is the issue?

1. Scott Peterson

Cue the Best Coast song: “I wish he was my boyfriend, I wish he was my boyfriend!” Except not really, Scott Peterson, because you would probably kill me and I think you’re only into chicks anyway. Murderer or not, you must admit that Scott Peterson is a # 1 babe. His tan skin and beautiful dirty blonde hair totally make it shocking that he killed someone! I thought only ugly people were murderers. Why are all of these hot men getting into it now? It used to be that if you picked a good-looking husband, you could pretty much guarantee he wouldn’t kill you. Not anymore though! God, is anything sacred? Did you guys watch the made-for-TV movie about him and Laci? Dean Cain played him. As in Superman and Rick from Beverly Hills, 90210! No wonder so many women are sending him fan mail in prison. (But on the real, isn’t that kind of terrifying? Women are actually sending a man who murdered his wife sexy letters. Ugh, I need to take a bath).

2. Michael Alig

Michael Alig isn’t a conventional babe (keep in mind that he was played by Macaulay Culkin, not Dean Cain) but he’s actually gay so he deserves to be on the list. If you’re not familiar, Michael Alig is the famous club kid from the ’80s who murdered his drug dealer. A book was written about it called Disco Bloodbath, which was later turned into the movie, Party Monster. Based on what I’ve read about him, he doesn’t sound too different from all of the other shithead nightcrawlers who are out being famous today. To achieve some notoriety on the party scene, you sort of have to be sociopathic. Your narcissism is practically deadly. Alig just took it one step further by being on lots of heroin and doing the damn thing. He is creepy though. I wouldn’t let him into my club.

3. Joran van der Sloot

Joran van der Sloot is the 23-year-old who murdered Natalee Holloway in Aruba and most recently a girl in Peru. His bio reads like any other asshole jock’s. He was a star athlete in high school and then later went on to become a professional poker player/cold-blooded killer. Even though Joran is a total babe, there is something about him that’s even more terrifying than the average murderer. Do not want.

4. O.J. Simpson

Of course I’m referring to O.J. Simpson the football player and star of Naked Gun, not the fat old crazy person he is today. Judging by this NSFW naked picture of him from the ’70s, Simpson seemed to be pretty well hung too! Sigh. What a waste of good penis. Isn’t it weird how after he allegedly killed his ex-wife, Simpson managed to still be rolling in women? Like how does that work exactly? “Hi, you probably killed the last person you dated? Sexy! When can we hook up?!” Ugh, some people have serious issues to work through. True Life: I Need To Stop Falling In Love With Men Who Will Kill Me.

5. Paul Bernardo of Barbie and Ken fame

If you’re not too familiar with this case, watch this:

It’s so disturbing, I can’t even really type about it. But to give you a PG version, Paul Bernardo was a babe living in Canada who raped and murdered a bunch of girls with his wife Karla, who would videotape the killings.  It’s a truly disgusting story but what’s even more bizarre is that yet again, the media latched on to their good looks by nicknaming them Barbie and Ken. The fact that they looked like prom king and queen was something people never got over. Granted, if they looked like Tom Arnold and Roseanne, people would still be horrified but they’d also somehow less scared of it. People have an easier time understanding why ugly people kill than they do with attractive people. Maybe it’s because they figure that homely people have been ostracized by society their whole life and therefore, are more likely to harbor ill will and resentment towards people. Whatever the reason, it’s fascinating. Basically, the hotter you are, the more likely you’re going to be talked about (I’m writing this post right now, aren’t I?). Getting back to Paul Bernardo, he’s hot. I would do him. The end! TC mark

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