Ten Reasons Why You Hate Your Ex
- They didn’t know how to text message, which put you in a permanent state of debilitating anxiety. The following exchange would happen too often:
You: where r u? let’s hang.
Them: (THE NEXT DAY) hey babe. sorry fell asleep early last night. miss u. wanna see u.
You: well lets meet up…. wanna go see a movie or something?
Them: (3 HOURS LATER) yeeee.
You: Ye? UGH. Can we speed this up please? I’ve been waiting, like, two days for a date.
Them: (20 MINUTES LATER) omg
Them: ( 1 MINUTE LATER) im so sorry babe. i hate texting.
You: (4 HOURS LATER) WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO JUST CALL ME IF YOU DON’T LIKE TO TEXT? I AM TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS POST-MODERN DATING SHIT. YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO TECHNOLOGY IN ORDER TO DO ME. BYE.
- They liked weird music like “Hey Soul Sister” by Train and the songs played on TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy. Music taste is weirdly a big deal. You’re not about to have your wedding song be “The Reason” by Hoobastank.
- They were selfish in bed. Sex always seemed to star their name in bright shining lights while your body was reduced to a cameo.
- Their family sucked. You would go over to family dinners and the parents would say the most awful things to you. You couldn’t say anything because you knew that family can get away with murder. They can insult you tirelessly while asking “So, who wants dessert?!” in the same breath. You also can’t acknowledge that they’re treating you terribly because criticizing someone else’s parents is always off-limits.
- They cut you down in weird quiet ways. This made it difficult to call them out on their behavior because the comments would be so backhanded and fleeting that you would miss your opportunity to address it. By the time you actually realized you were verbally assaulted, the words had run out the back door. For a time, you might’ve thought you were reading into things and being too sensitive . No. They’re just a big fat jerk who gets off on making you feel bad.
- They lied. They were the epitome of false advertising. They weren’t what you signed up for. You wanted funny, sweet, and thoughtful, and they gave it to you for as long as they needed. Then when they realized they had you, they switched. They became the opposite of what you adored. This devastated you and made you wonder how people are able to adapt a personality and then leave it on the side of the road when it’s no longer convenient? You can’t fathom presenting something different from who you truly are. Lesson learned: People are crazy.
- They cheated on you! And for a long time if not forever, it made you feel like the whole relationship was a sham. How could someone who loved you so much hurt you so badly? Soon you discovered that that was the point. Only the people who love you best in the world can start to hate you.
- They made no money. You had to pay for them whenever you would go out, and you saw the resentment just build, build, and build. You don’t want to think about money. You don’t want to think that you need your partner to make x amount a year for you to feel okay. You wish your love don’t cost a thing. But by being with someone who was broke, you realized your love did cost a thing. You needed someone who pulled their own weight. Otherwise you would just hate them. You would hate that moment when the check came and they just smiled meekly at you.
- They could never love you as much as you loved them. Maybe they could for awhile but it didn’t last. You started to notice it while lying in bed together. Their body seemed far away even though it was right next to you and you knew that it was over. You could’ve gotten dressed right then and left, but you endured five more months of their body feeling far away. You hated them for not seeing in you what you saw in them.
- You could never love them as much as they loved you. You tried, tried so damn hard, but it wasn’t happening. And the guilt you felt just manifested into this anger towards them. The more they loved you, the more you hated them because it reminded you of the impossible.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”