When I was in high school, I threw my fair share of parties. The reason being that my mother was stupid and always seemed to go out of town on major holidays like Halloween and New Year’s Eve. Before she left, she would always give me the same defeated look and say meekly, “Please don’t throw a party while I’m away” and I would give her my word that I wouldn’t while sending a mass text to my friends that read “PARTY AT MI HOUSE!” Now that I’m an old 24-year-old man, those days are sadly long behind me, but at least I have the memories!
1. SOMEONE WILL PUKE
When you first start drinking, you’re basically a garbage disposal for the foulest of liquors. “Is that Popov? Yum. Talk about fancy!” You will drink anything and everything because you haven’t developed a taste for booze yet and you’re also incapable of getting a hangover. I remember nights when everyone would chug terrifying amounts of vodka and somehow wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed four hours later. You would only complain about having a hangover because you felt like you had to. “Yikes. I’m so tired. This hangover is the worst!” A year or two later, you’ll realize that a hangover is a lot more brutal than letting out a casual yawn and craving a burrito.
The # 1 rule of drinking in high school is that you’re not wasted until you’re puking and/or unconscious. There is no such thing as having two glasses of wine before bed. Ew! Why would you do that when you can vomit?! With that state of mind, you can guarantee someone will be vomiting at a high school party. I once went to a birthday party during senior year in which everyone vomited. It was like some Stand By Me shit. People were puking on the floors, on the lawn, in the bedrooms. The one person who didn’t vomit was eating the birthday cake all by herself on the couch while surrounded by puke. It was weird.
It’s interesting to think about why we were so willing destroy our bodies at seventeen. Being a teenager was all about “Yes. Give me that! Why not? I might projectile vomit? Cool! I haven’t done that since I was five!” Being in your twenties, however is all about being neurotic. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe. I have a gluten allergy so I can’t drink that beer.” or “Oh I had a bad experience with that drug and can’t do it again. Thanks though!” Your teenager self would be like, “Get a grip, boring person. LET’S RAGE!”
2. SOMEONE WILL CRY
Sometime between the first drink and the projectile vomiting, there will be that person who starts crying hysterically. It will happen in an instant. One minute they’ll be dancing to “Come On Eileen” and the next, they’ll be blubbering to their best girl friend Cynthia in the bathroom. Oh my god, the infamous hand grab to the bathroom: “I need to talk to you!” as you rush someone into a random’s bathroom and start sobbing and spilling your guts. When I threw a party on Halloween, my best friend got naked wearing only a tutu, had sex with her boyfriend in my mother’s bed and then started sobbing hysterically, claiming that her boyfriend of two years just raped her. We knew this wasn’t true only because we all eavesdropped on the sex and heard every single thing. She never said “no” but she did say “choke me” and “your dick is huge.” Honorable mention: Once a girl we didn’t really know showed up to my best friend’s party and proceeded to lose her damn mind. She made out with this boy while quite literally sobbing. In between kisses, she would just wail. She then decided to lock herself in the bathroom for the entire night, which would’ve been fine if there had been more than one bathroom in the house.
3. SOMEONE WILL PUKE AND CRY
This is an unfortunate combo but it does happen. In between retching, you’re just like crying so hard and wanting to die while everyone watches you and takes pictures of it with their camera phones.
4. SOMEONE WILL LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY
By the time one a.m. rolls around at a high school party, everyone is either passed out or having sex in a weird location. These parties were all about hooking up. People would just throw them so they could have an excuse to get drunk with their crush (by the way, I still do that) and make out with them in the backyard or the laundry room. Things get really special though when someone loses their virginity at a party. One of my best friends did! She had sex with her high school boyfriend on her best friend’s mom’s bed and we all started screaming in excitement. We later found out that she had lost her virginity via anal sex.
5. SOMEONE WILL GET INTO A FIGHT
At my New Year’s Eve party, a boy I was dating managed to make out with two people who weren’t me and we had a dramatic fight in front of all the partygoers. At another party, someone got into a fight with the older sister of a guy she had just slept with. This is because she had been telling everyone that the guy had a small penis, which I guess the sister found insulting. At one of the random parties I threw, a friend of mine stole sixty dollars from a mutual friend of ours. When I found out it was her, I asked her why she did it and she said it was because our friend had made a disparaging comment about homeless people. WTF? Teenagers are out of their mind!
Oh my god, writing this makes me want to go to a high school party so bad. Will anyone invite me to theirs?