He’s kind of your average American Joe; a real man, with real flaws: a mole here, a pimple there. Except, in reality, he’s quite naughty. The man is literally playing hard to get with the whole world. Not only has he been missing for a hot minute now, but it seems his upper lip has also been missing — since his birth. Talk about a tease!
Make no mistake! Steve Buscemi’s resemblance to a meth addict is incontestable, but his eyes man, his eyes. They’re so plump; they just ooze intellect and talent. They really are the windows to his soul. Also — if he didn’t exist, then neither would any of the photos where his eyes are superimposed onto, say, Snookie or Kesha’s face.
He’s a yo-yo dieter, which could only mean one thing: ice cream binges up the wazoo! And I’m gonna go out on limb here and say he most likely possesses a life’s supply of weed. I know what you’re thinking: how could he possibly get any better? Well, he’s got that cool factor too — always hanging around Opening Ceremony’s Howard Street location. He knows what’s up.
Hey, did you know Joakim Noah is half-Swedish, half-French? Because he is. He also vacations in St. Barts and does pretty well with the ladyfolk. And while I typically have no patience for man buns, this is an exception — he’s a professional basketball player, not a mixologist.
Nothing gets my juices flowing like pallor and an overabundance of self-hate. Bad day at work? Take it out on Louis! Nothing you say to him could possibly hurt more than his self-obliterating stand-up routines. You can walk into your house boiling with laughter and when he asks what’s up, just be like, “Oh nothing — just your face again.” And, my god, think about what a nice break this would be from the typical egocentric men out there. Bu-bye jealousy! Hello, human cushion! Oh. And he wrote Pootie Tang.
Again, another man who is not only hilarious, but, if the occasion should happen to call for it, could also double as a couch. Everything from his hair to his belly screams Tempur-Pedic. The man clearly has a way with his mouth, if you catch my drift. And although I don’t know Reggie personally, something tells me he has little qualms when it comes to unkempt leg hair, armpit hair, and pubic hair.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Yeah, he might be Jewish, hilarious and a Cambridge grad, but who remembers when he CONVINCED PAULA ABDUL TO USE A MEXICAN AS A HUMAN STOOL?? That, my friends, is what I like to call hot.
His countenance is very villain-like, which is surely bound to maintain a level of excitement in a relationship. It’s that whole uncertainty factor that I find so disarming: will he or won’t he rape/murder me tonight? The wrinkles are kind of hot too. It’s as if each one coincided with an Oscar or a seminal movie role. And then there’s that little inconsequential tidbit that he modeled for Prada.
The man, regrettably, is ugly. No two ways about it. But not only do his initials spell out QT, he’s also one of THE BEST MOVIE DIRECTORS OF ALL TIME. Hey, you know Pulp Fiction? Yeah, that came from his brain. Also, I really like that he barely passed high school despite having an IQ of 160 — lends him a bit of modesty, no? If you aren’t convinced, then I offer you this gem: He was an Elvis impersonator on The Golden Girls. Sold.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford
Except in this case, I don’t mean hot as in sexy, but rather hot as in, “Ouch! That water is piping hot!” The man looks like he is constantly standing idle in front of a bus exhaust. Rob Ford, do you EVER shower? Moreover, are you aware of the layer of filth/moldy, congealed sweat in which you subsist? I don’t know, this is just speculation, but maybe — just maybe — it’s the crack.