April 13, 2014

6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get

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What is the issue?
After years of meticulous field research, I have finally discovered that men will literally never get women. And I just don’t understand why. Okay, we’re “confusing.” But there’s millions of articles men can read, they’ve been told folklore, most likely have female family members, they’ve seen television.. And yet no matter how many times we bang it into their fucking head, they will NEVER GET US.

We get them! Sure we don’t understand WHY they do half the things they do, but we accept it, understand it, and try to work with it. However, this empathetic approach to their sensitivities is all too often not reciprocated. A man can be a man in every aspect of life, but when it comes to a woman he turns into a pre pubescent boy who just doesn’t make the effort to understand and brushes off her feelings as “She’s just being a girl.

Well no, we’re not. We are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures, and you and your emotionally disabled, one track mind is resulting in failed communication. So men, for the thousandth time, let me explain to you some things about women that you will literally never get. Pay attention.

Note: This article excludes Channing Tatum.
Shutterstock
Shutterstock

1. Drinks at the club

Hello dancing stranger. Oh, you offered to buy me a drink? Buy me two drinks. Buy me three drinks. Buy me and my friends bottles at your VIP table all night. Im very grateful for this drink, sir, but lets be clear. Buying me alcohol will not ensure you anything, buddy. So don’t go into shock mode and throw a temper tantrum when I go back to MY room with MY friends. Its been this way since the beginning of time! When will you learn. Unless you are Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m not coming with you. But thanks for the tequila! I just saved 15 percent or more by being a girl.

2. When we say we need space

It means fight for us, fucker. Time never fixes a problem, it only delays a resolution or stops any resolution at all. Stop being such a coward, grow a pair of balls, and fight for us. It makes us feel wanted, needed, loved, important, irreplaceable. If you don’t, you didn’t deserve us anyway. Channing Tatum would never treat me this way. And even though we say you can’t buy our love, it’s a huge perk. Not saying dinners, movies, or shows will fix EVERYTHING, but we will appreciate the effort.
Bonus point: Bring us on a surprise vacation. Bitches love surprise vacations.

3. We don’t over-think

We analyze. It is what it is. We will remember everything you’ve ever said, and we will break down every word. And you might call us crazy, but most of the time, our “overthinking” turns out to be correct, further prompting us to continue to overthink, trust our intuition, and not forget anything. And even if u think you found a “cool” girl (rolling eyes) who doesn’t do this, she does. Stop pretending to be cool, girl.

4. We already know the truth

Most of the time when we ask you something, we already know. So tell the fucking truth. The whole truth. We’d rather be hit with it all at once, rather then discover pieces over time. Or else now we REALLY are convinced that we are dating a lying sociopath who will continuously disregard our feelings and disrespect us. Lying about even the smallest things will change the way we look at you very quickly.

5. When we say we’re fine, we’re NOT

This stereotype of a woman saying she’s fine when she’s not should basically be a law at this point. It is tried and true and happens all the time, and yet men STILL DONT GET IT. Maybe women say we are fine when we’re not because subconsciously we don’t want to come across as too bitchy or aggressive, or scare you off. Sometimes it’s because we think the problem is so FUCKING obvious that we are literally dumbfounded by how you can’t see it. Mostly we just want you to be our magical prince charming and fix it yourselves without us having to give u step-by-step directions every time. Do we have to spell EVERYTHING out for you?

Either way, it happens. I’m sorry. So when we say we’re fine but you know we’re not, keep asking. Not once or twice, not even asking seven or eight times will get us to crack. I’m talking like 20 to 25 times over a span of a two to four hour period. And don’t just say “You okay?” “You okay?” “What’s wrong?” “You okay?” No. Say “baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what’s going on so we can work on this together.” Ugh. That’s all you have to say. Damn it.


Which brings me to my next point…

6. Fantasies

Just like Men have their fantasies, women have ours – refer to The Vow, The Notebook, Titanic, The Great Gatsby, Magic Mike… We want ROMANCE. Call it stupid, call it unrealistic, call it whatever u want- I want my prince charming. We have all wanted him since we were little girls. We don’t call the things you want stupid, so don’t be so rude and piggish as to ridicule us. And if you want your fantasies fulfilled, then why don’t you man up and fulfill ours.

If you are a male reading this article, please take note. Although it is speckled with humor, I have practically gifted you with a rule book of how to keep a girl happy. Do not disregard it. And yet, I’m sure you will completely. Because you’re stupid. And you’re not Channing Tatum in The Vow and you never will be and my therapist says I need to accept that. TC mark

Like this? You’ll love our best-selling ebook Drinking My Way Through 14 Dating Sites. Find it here.

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Mena Coticelli

My name is Mena. I’m a makeup artist in the morning, and a writer at night. I’ve been studying improv comedy at The …

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