September 19, 2016

You’re Not Really A Couple Until You Survive These 27 Micro Nightmares

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Twenty20, @edric
Twenty20, @edric

1. When you happen to glance at your boyfriend or girlfriend’s phone at the exact moment they receive a notification about an incoming text from an ex or someone you really don’t like slash don’t approve of and you can’t help but seethe with anger, even if the dialogue is relatively benign and the text was totally unprompted.

2. When you get into a full-on brawl only to realize that the the root of your fight was a total misunderstanding, which means that you both wasted a whole bunch of energy battling over absolutely nothing.

3. When one person takes a massive poop that stinks up the bathroom beyond the help of a scented candle or an entire container of Febreze.

4. When someone can’t stop farting in bed and there’s no escaping those pungent gaseous emissions that remind you both way too much of the meal you last ingested.

5. When one person’s breath is unthinkably halitosis-y but you’re nowhere near a toothbrush so you either have to postpone making out, or suck it up and deal with the grossness.

6. When your significant other fails to pick up on the fact that you’re desperate to leave a party already so they engage literally everyone on your way towards the door, extending your stay long past the point of tolerable.

7. When you’re in completely opposite moods and neither person is willing to meet the other in the middle so you exist in different universes until one person finally joins the other in the land of whatever emotion that person is feeling.

8. When someone convinces the other to watch a movie or show that ends up sucking royally.

9. When someone insists on trying a new restaurant or takeout spot that ends up sucking royally and the other person had warned that you should stick to your go-to favorites instead.

10. When you decide to leave a critical decision (like what to watch or what to eat) up to a round of rock-paper-scissors but someone shoots on three instead of on shoot (after the count of one, two, three) so you have to start all over again.

11. When one person fibs about something silly to get out of trouble and that tiny whit lie catches up to them months down the line, at which point they must confess, thereby shaking the foundation of trust, or tell another whopper.

12. When someone snores so loudly that it keeps their partner up all night and the non-snorer wakes up feeling super resentful because they’re overwhelmingly exhausted for no reason other than their boyfriend or girlfriend’s dying-hog-esque slumber sounds.

13. When you’re both too exhausted to have sex but you do it anyway and it kind of sucks.

14. When one person’s in the mood to get really naughty but the other person’s in more of a regular sex kind of a place.

15. When one of you is feeling incredibly inspired to hit the gym regularly and eat well and the other person’s struggling to hop on board the wellness train.

16. When one person is feeling sexy and self-confident but the other’s not so psyched about their current appearance but also not really in the mood to do much about it.

17. When one person “forgets” that something was supposed to be a secret, thereby outing their lover in front of family or friends.

18. When your recollections of a specific event are so vastly different that you have to wonder whether you’re both sort of insane.

19. When one person commits to attending an event as a couple and the other party could not be less interested in that specific gathering and/or the people involved.

20. When one person volunteers the other to share some anecdote or hilarious joke that they’re just not in the mood to relay for whatever reason but they have to anyways.

21. When someone volunteers the other’s services, thereby forcing that person to perform some kind act they’d really rather not.

22. When one person kindly asks the other whether it would be okay to exchange that gift they claimed was absolutely perfect upon opening it.

23. When someone overcooks the steak or ruins some other expensive meal because they forgot about it on the stove or because they suck at cooking and probably shouldn’t be doing it.

24. When your partner embarrasses you without even realizing it and you have to pretend that everything copacetic until you’re alone and you can scream at them.

25. When someone explicitly promises to pick something up on their way home—particularly something super important, like a bottle of wine—and then completely forgets to.

26. When someone comes home later than expected and their significant other had the entire evening planned according to a specific arrival time so everything’s all messed up.

27. When one person calls the other to ask a question that they totally could’ve figured out the answer to all on their own if they put an extra thirty seconds of effort in. TC mark

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