Thought Catalog
March 29, 2014

20 Bartenders Reveal What Your Drink Says About You

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What is the issue?

18. I don’t know what to order

Amaretto sour = any woman who never knew what to order, so a bartender made it for her once and now she orders it all the time because it’s the only drink she knows how to order. Crown Royal Manhattan, rocks on the side = guy who knows what he’s talking about when he’s ordering a drink, and probably a slight cheapskate because he’s going to suck on the ice in the rocks glass when he’s finished the drink.

19. This tastes like it doesn’t even have alcohol in it!

“What do you have here that’s cheap?” – (In my head: “You!”) IRL – Let me tell you tonight’s Drink Specials. Occasionally this person is on a budget and wants to have a good time and not break the bank. But the majority of the time, they can spend the money, they are just cheap bastards. It is usually an indication that I won’t be getting a tip either.
“No Ice! In a Tall Glass!” – The majority of the time this tells me that you are ignorant and you think you are going to get more alcohol because less room is taken up by ice and there is more “beverage in the glass.” This is completely wrong, the only thing you have succeeded in doing is ordering yourself a weak drink that is also warm. I cannot put any more booze in, only mixer and now you don’t have enough ice to keep it at a proper temperature. Have fun with you tall coke with a shot of whiskey. I aim to please even if your order is complete horse shit.
“This tastes like there is no alcohol in it!” – Most of the time I pour a little more than a standard pour (unless I know you aren’t going to tip me) so I know the drink is not weak by bar standards. Perhaps it is weak by home bar standards, we all know pops drinks his vodka with a splash of coke in the giant cup. This usually tells me that you are cheap and you think you will get more for nothing simply because you complain. I will usually apologize and make them a new drink. I don’t pour more into the drink, I apologize profusely assure them that I will make sure they get the standard pour they deserve, I bust out the jigger and give them a true standard pour, giving them a drink weaker than the one I had given them before. They know they just got a weaker drink, they know I poured them a good one the first time, and they never complain that there isn’t any alcohol, they just watched me pour the standard amount in right?
“What’s a Well Drink? or What’s in a Well?” – Hello Newbie, allow me to introduce you to the wonderful world of drinking. “Well” basically means the crap bottom shelf liquor whose name you have never heard of because it’s so putrid, often you mix it with an appropriate mixer so you can choke down the stuff. Good luck with the headache in the morning, you could have spent a dollar more and felt much better.
“. . . and make it strong this time.” Oh I remember you, you didn’t tip me last time either, yep here’s a weak pour so I can give the person who actually tips me a strong drink without offsetting liquor costs. Honestly, people who ask for strong drinks do not get them, great tippers and regular get strong drinks. Often times I will pour them short and then add the last bit of “extra” last minute making it a normal pour but hooking them up in their minds. Quick tip, if you do said “extra” pour right into the straw, their first sip will be strong and they will be happy.
“I want something strong that tastes good.” – While it is not impossible, most of the time a truly strong drink is only for those who want the alcohol and enjoy the taste of it. When someone says this to me, it says that they enjoy the mixers but want to get drunk. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it is sugary and has booze in it. Women are nortourious for this, I used to try my heart out giving them that fine balance of strong and tasty, but in the end, they don’t like the taste of booze, so fruity cocktails FTW!
“What kind of drinks do you have?” – Looks back at the full bar set up, looks back at customer, looks at full bar, looks back. “Bud Light.” I know this is an honest question, but on a busy night I’m sorry but I don’t have time to go through our specialties. I will let the customer know that we have a full bar and a great selections of beer, hand them the menu and tell them to let me know when they are ready. When you come to the bar on a busy night, please know what you want.
“What do you recommend?” – This is tricky, everyone’s tastes are different. I always ask the follow-up question: “Well what do you normally like?” I then use their response as a guide to recommend a drink for them. People who ask this are either looking to explore and try new things or are just stumped as of what to drink.

 

20.LOL

From reading this thread I’ve discovered anyone who orders anything is a dick.

Hmmmm, well I’m a Cosmo type of gay. Wonder what that says…

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