March 28, 2014

20 Bartenders Reveal What Your Drink Says About You

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What is the issue?
Consensus? Basically that anyone who orders a Jager bomb is an idiot. But apparently, so are people who order Blowjobs! Read more on this Reddit thread
 image - Shutterstock
image – Shutterstock

1. You’re just ordering this because you heard it in a rap song, aren’t you?

I find that people who aren’t “real” drinkers order drinks that they’ve heard in rap songs. When Drake said something about Moscato, which is a sweet white wine, I suddenly had an influx of tough looking dudes ordering Moscato. I give them the drink and they look at me like, WTF, I’m like that’s what your dumb ass ordered!

2. Dayum, girl.

Long Island Iced Tea: I want to get fucked up.

3. You’re probably going to jail if you drink a lot of this.

As someone that formerly worked at the DA’s office, it seems like all crimes start with Bud Light. Not miller, not coors, not tequila, not whisky, not malt liquor…..Bud Light…from vehicular manslaughter to 1st degree murder…..Bud Light

4. Yo, it’s time for you to go home maybe?

I help out at a quiet English country pub, when someone orders a shot of anything it means they needed a taxi 2 drinks ago.

5. I would still like clean, fresh breath

Rumple Minze: I’m trying to get hammered but have some nice, fresh breath.

6.Who do you think you are?

Mojito: You just want to see me suffer.

7. You’re a perv

Any dude in a bar with women nearby, who orders a Blowjob, or a Slippery Nipple is a douche-bag. (of course he makes cheesy eye-contact with the women as he orders too)

8. Seriously, stop being such a perv

When people order a “sex on the beach” with a smirk on their face, I automatically hate them.

9. Hi, I’m pretending to be powerful

I find the most obnoxious, wanna-be power players at their firm, order a Martini, and then I find out how fucking stupid they are by them sending it back saying “This has Gin in it! What kind of bartender are you?”

10. Oh you trying to start a fight, huh?

When I was a bartender “Snakebite” = I wanna fight someone
(“Snakebite” is a 50/50 cider and lager mix. Sometimes served with blackcurrant “Snakebite and black”). I actually refused to serve it to anyone after a few “incidents”.

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image – Shutterstock

11. Well obviously you’re not of age…

As a British bartender I tend to ID young people who prefer JD to scotch. I honestly can’t say why. I also ID anyone ordering jaeger bombs because I hate the smell of both energy drinks and Jaeger so if they’re underage there’s a chance I won’t have to make it.

12. All of this

If you order a cement mixer for your naive friend, you’re an asshole.
If you order a cement mixer for yourself, there’s something wrong with you.
If you order pitcher after pitcher of the cheapest draft beer we have, and only need one glass or mug to go with it, you’re most likely drinking to numb the pain of existence, and probably just want to be left alone.
If you come to the bar frequently and only ever order one or two different types of drinks, it’s safe to assume that you’ve been around the block, and you now know what you like. You have my respect, even if your drink is an amaretto sour.
If you lean over the bar and try to grab the plastic box of index cards where I keep all my drink recipes, so you can look through everything and order the weirdest drink you can find, you’re an irritating individual and I want you to leave my bar as soon as possible. Unless you’re going to tip me well, which you most certainly are not.
If you’re in a group of squealing girls wearing matching t-shirts and/or tiaras, you will most likely order some shot or drink which is always complicated, messy, and involves fire. You are the bane of my existence because in the seven minutes you’re there, you will swoop in, make a racket, order 30 of something, make a mess, demand to see me throw bottles around like they do in the movie “Cocktail,” argue with me over the tab, argue amongst yourselves about who is paying the tab, and tip poorly (if at all), before hauling your obnoxious asses to the next bar down the block, leaving me with a huge mess to clean up, decreasing the level of service I’m able to provide to my regular customers – the ones who spend lots of time and money at my bar. If this is you, you’re an inconsiderate taint. Please go die in a fire.

13. This is actually HILARIOUS

There’s a small dive bar on High St. near my old college campus called “Too’s: spirits under High” and they have a shot called a “tidal wave.” The ingredients aren’t listed on the board, it just says “we can’t tell you whats in it, but it’ll make you wet.”

Turns out, when you order it, they give you a shot of some cheap bomb, then splash a cup of water in your face after you slam it… so if you order a “tidal wave” for your friend, you’re a huge douche, but its funny for everyone else (unless you’re standing directly behind the victim)

14. You are actually the bomb

If you order Laphroaig or Lagavulin, neat, you’re a badass. But I hate you for making me smell like it all night.

15. You have absolutely no couth

Former Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler used to come sit at my bar and order appletinis and fruity shots like sex on the beach. He is apparently diabetic and the sugary drinks made him act crazy. He also ran up massive tabs and would tip zero.
So I guess a grown man ordering appletinis and sex on the beaches says you’re a confused manchild with no idea how to conduct yourself in public.

16. Well, now you know.

Kamakazie: I have no idea what to order.
Long Island: I’m here to get fucked.
Shot of Fernet: I’m from San Francisco.
Shot of Grey Goose -chilled: I have no idea what I’m doing.
Jager Bombs: It’s my new fuckin’ hair cut!
Apple-Tini: I don’t like the taste of alcohol.
Johnny Walker Blue: I have more money than sense; I hope it impresses you.
Sazerac: I know what I’m doing.
White Russian: I have never worked in a bar before, so I possess a fool-hearted confidence that the milk in your reach-in has not expired.
Patron Margarita: I wish to spend $12 on a drink that will taste exactly the same as it’s $8 counter part.
Rail Tequila: I’m here to blackout and get butt-fucked by a stranger.
Hennessy and Coke: “Can you guys play some rap music?”
PBR: Hipsters don’t tip.
Gin Rickey: I just read the Great Gatsby for the first time.
Vodka Redbull: I’m gonna butt-fuck a blacked out stranger tonight.
Cuba Libre: I’m too cool to say Rum & Coke.
Red Eye: I just saw Cocktail for the first time.
Blue Moon: I’m a girl. “Can I get two orange slices?”
Three Wise Men: I’m gonna fight someone tonight.
Blowjob: “OMG! It’s my bachelorette -woohoo!”
Sex with an Alligator: I want to watch you fail at layer shots.
A shot of X split Y ways: I am from South Carolina.
Rail Vodka: My ID is fake.
Martini: “Oh.. um… Gin I guess. NONONO! Vodka. Yeah. Shaken. Um.. Dirty? Whichever way has olives.”

 image - Shutterstock
image – Shutterstock

17. Men don’t drink cocktails

I also bartended in the Shinkoiwa area of Tokyo.Men would not order cocktails.
If a man ordered a cocktail other than your normal Gin Back, or Gin Fizz that man is gay.
If a woman ordered for her guy, the guy was either a pimp or her man back at her hostess bar. We only had Budweiser, Corona, Heineken, and Guiness for the beer menu.
If you ordered Budweiser, you wanted to practice English. If you ordered Corona, you are a lightweight and can’t handle your alcohol well. If you ordered a Heineken, you wanted to have a conversation with your friends. If you ordered a Guinness, you would sit at the bar all night reading your novel being anti-social.
If you ordered Meyers Rum on the rocks… You were somehow in the Mafia… (I don’t understand this one, it was just a normal thing.)
If you ordered Champagne for everyone, that usually means I have way too much money and I don’t know what to do with my time.
If a man ordered wine, and the woman ordered a beer. That usually meant they would end up getting in a fight and leaving separately.
If someone wanted a shot they either were getting lucky or wanted to get kicked out when the bar was closing.
In Japan no one ordered a sake bomb…ever.

18. I don’t know what to order

Amaretto sour = any woman who never knew what to order, so a bartender made it for her once and now she orders it all the time because it’s the only drink she knows how to order. Crown Royal Manhattan, rocks on the side = guy who knows what he’s talking about when he’s ordering a drink, and probably a slight cheapskate because he’s going to suck on the ice in the rocks glass when he’s finished the drink.

19. This tastes like it doesn’t even have alcohol in it!

“What do you have here that’s cheap?” – (In my head: “You!”) IRL – Let me tell you tonight’s Drink Specials. Occasionally this person is on a budget and wants to have a good time and not break the bank. But the majority of the time, they can spend the money, they are just cheap bastards. It is usually an indication that I won’t be getting a tip either.
“No Ice! In a Tall Glass!” – The majority of the time this tells me that you are ignorant and you think you are going to get more alcohol because less room is taken up by ice and there is more “beverage in the glass.” This is completely wrong, the only thing you have succeeded in doing is ordering yourself a weak drink that is also warm. I cannot put any more booze in, only mixer and now you don’t have enough ice to keep it at a proper temperature. Have fun with you tall coke with a shot of whiskey. I aim to please even if your order is complete horse shit.
“This tastes like there is no alcohol in it!” – Most of the time I pour a little more than a standard pour (unless I know you aren’t going to tip me) so I know the drink is not weak by bar standards. Perhaps it is weak by home bar standards, we all know pops drinks his vodka with a splash of coke in the giant cup. This usually tells me that you are cheap and you think you will get more for nothing simply because you complain. I will usually apologize and make them a new drink. I don’t pour more into the drink, I apologize profusely assure them that I will make sure they get the standard pour they deserve, I bust out the jigger and give them a true standard pour, giving them a drink weaker than the one I had given them before. They know they just got a weaker drink, they know I poured them a good one the first time, and they never complain that there isn’t any alcohol, they just watched me pour the standard amount in right?
“What’s a Well Drink? or What’s in a Well?” – Hello Newbie, allow me to introduce you to the wonderful world of drinking. “Well” basically means the crap bottom shelf liquor whose name you have never heard of because it’s so putrid, often you mix it with an appropriate mixer so you can choke down the stuff. Good luck with the headache in the morning, you could have spent a dollar more and felt much better.
“. . . and make it strong this time.” Oh I remember you, you didn’t tip me last time either, yep here’s a weak pour so I can give the person who actually tips me a strong drink without offsetting liquor costs. Honestly, people who ask for strong drinks do not get them, great tippers and regular get strong drinks. Often times I will pour them short and then add the last bit of “extra” last minute making it a normal pour but hooking them up in their minds. Quick tip, if you do said “extra” pour right into the straw, their first sip will be strong and they will be happy.
“I want something strong that tastes good.” – While it is not impossible, most of the time a truly strong drink is only for those who want the alcohol and enjoy the taste of it. When someone says this to me, it says that they enjoy the mixers but want to get drunk. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it is sugary and has booze in it. Women are nortourious for this, I used to try my heart out giving them that fine balance of strong and tasty, but in the end, they don’t like the taste of booze, so fruity cocktails FTW!
“What kind of drinks do you have?” – Looks back at the full bar set up, looks back at customer, looks at full bar, looks back. “Bud Light.” I know this is an honest question, but on a busy night I’m sorry but I don’t have time to go through our specialties. I will let the customer know that we have a full bar and a great selections of beer, hand them the menu and tell them to let me know when they are ready. When you come to the bar on a busy night, please know what you want.
“What do you recommend?” – This is tricky, everyone’s tastes are different. I always ask the follow-up question: “Well what do you normally like?” I then use their response as a guide to recommend a drink for them. People who ask this are either looking to explore and try new things or are just stumped as of what to drink.


From reading this thread I’ve discovered anyone who orders anything is a dick.

Hmmmm, well I’m a Cosmo type of gay. Wonder what that says…TC mark

Grab a pint of Guinness and sit down at the bar with a copy of How To Be A 20-Something.


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